SECRET TALKS

Due to ongoing criticism of the Catholic church, the Vatican has become desperate to regain popularity with the general public. THE HAPPY CHURCH is now able to announce that it has been contacted by the Vatican, and that for 2 of the 3 days that the Pope will be in the UK, he shall be attending meetings with THE HAPPY CHURCH staff in order to learn how to keep his own church a safer, family-friendly place.

One of the flock of specially trained 'Assault Doves' unleashed on the previous Pope by the Counter-Heresy Division.

PAST DIFFERENCES

Of course there are many differences between the Catholic Church and THE HAPPY CHURCH, with the Vatican tending to put an emphasis on Mary, Papal infallibility, and swinging balls of incense about. However THE HAPPY CHURCH – as an Anglican conservative liberal evangelical neo-Girls Aloud cessationist orthodox Church – places its emphasis on Jesus Christ, The need for the forgiveness of sins, and merking to our duppy-man sound system in the church hall.

Whilst this would obviously appear at first glance to be a major stumbling block between inter-church co-operation…..it is. In the past, THE HAPPY CHURCH Counter-Heresy Division has been forced to conduct numerous operations against the Vatican, at one point even unleashing a specially trained squadron of Assault Doves (512 Assault Dove Squadron, motto: “A bird crapping on you isn’t lucky if there are over 100 of us”) to disrupt one of the previous Pontiff’s speeches to prevent further heresies from being spread.

RECONCILED IN CHRIST

The Pope talks with THE HAPPY CHURCH Rector

But despite these initial differences in doctrine (and in places gospel), our Rector, Rev. David Beadle travelled to the Vatican, along with other THE HAPPY CHURCH staff, on the way back from one of his recent visits to Kabul,  to respond to a desperate request from the Vatican to reconcile our differences.

This first meeting didn’t go entirely to plan, as the Vatican requested that THE HAPPY CHURCH staff attend a confession prior to meeting the pontiff. The staff reluctantly agreed, but the Vatican were forced to abandon this plan after the initial confessional with THE HAPPY CHURCH sound engineer and self-employed ‘international pharmaceutical distributor’ Chris ‘Tiltmode’ Tilt took over 7 hours.   The Head Deacon then exceeded this record in what was a very, very long day.

The meeting proved useful, but eventually had to be called to a halt after it came to light that someone had replaced the incense with a sweet-smelling herb that gave all the attending cardinals the munchies, as well as the fact that after just minutes together, Pope Benedict and the Curate had coined the campaign slogan of

EIN VOLK! EIN REICH! ZWEI WAYS TO LIVE!

Ultimately however, THE HAPPY CHURCH contingent agreed to offer the Vatican its support providing that the Vatican make some reforms such as starting to preach the gospel more frequently, to conduct a review of its theology of Mary, to include the singing of ‘In Christ Alone’ at mass and to allow THE HAPPY CHURCH to install a HAPPY DIPLOMAT in a HAPPY EMBASSY within Vatican city to ensure that these terms are met.  Potential candidates include the Curate and that epitome of masculinity; high pitched evangelist Mark Driscoll.

As a result of this initial meeting, THE HAPPY CHURCH invited the Pope to the UK for the main discussions to begin on September 16th and we hope that you shall join us in extending a warm welcome to our brother in Christ as he comes to learn how to clean house.

When we first set out our vision for a KJV-only, High Anglican Church which only preached from Romans, the naysayers said it couldn’t be done and the moralists said it shouldn’t be done.

Never one to listen to good counsel, THE HAPPY CHURCH did it, then repented afterwards.

Six months in and THE HAPPY CHURCH has not only led anti-drinking crusades and set up a successful church plant in Sheffield, but we have also fought the dark forces of secular humanism in the UK General Election.

To commemorate the last six months of putting “the ‘fun’ back into fundamentalism”, THE HAPPY CHURCH held a fourteen hour service entitled “Money, Movies and Martyrdom”.  Although there were complaints by visiting Pentecostalists that the meeting was “too short”, the night otherwise went without a hitch.

Our night kicked off with a doctrinally-sound  rap (with an organ accompaniment and Gregorian descant, of course) which skillfully popularised contemporary debate about tithing under the New Covenant to an arousing percussive beat.

The centrepiece of the night was the launching of our seeker-friendly THE HAPPY CHURCH movie night running throughout the Summer holidays. This will be done in partnership with our brothers at the evangelical Black Power group BlackChristianMovies.com. Last night commenced with a showing of 90s Whitney Houston and Kevin Costner smash hit – THE BODYGUARD:

Films on the list so far are: DOGMA, THE PREACHER’S WIFE, THE BOURNE [again] SUPREMACY,  FATHER OF THE BRIDE (of Christ) and THE LION, THE WITCH AND THE CHARISMATIC.

Finally, THE HAPPY CHURCH choir came together to give a tuneful send-off to local Exeter minister Steve Goodbody who has been a long time supporter of THE HAPPY CHURCH.

Steve will be doing missionary work in the wilds of Devon where the natives don’t speak English and there is no running water. Incidents of cannibalism are frequent in the Exe Valley so it was fitting that Steve gave the final message of the night on martyrdom from Matthew 16:25. We wish him well in (his possibly shortened) life.

The Apostle Luke deals with a suspected heretic...

Luke, called to be a disciple of Christ Jesus, by the will of God, through being sent up to the highlands of Sheffield and South Yorkshire some months ago, and our brother Drew and sister Charly,

To THE HAPPY CHURCH of God in Exeter, and those that journey up the steep ‘Cardiac Hill’ every week and who call on the name of Goodbody for wise teaching.

Grace and Peace to you.

I thank God for your endurance each week (torrential Exeter rain notwithstanding) in your arduous and ongoing work in bringing the gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ to the heathen and the worshipers of lash in the City of Exeter, especially to those attending ‘possibly the best university in the world’ in said city. It is good that you continue in this work, eagerly encouraged by the words of Harris, Burnside, Arscott and the others. You will not lack for good teaching , and I am confident you will gain understanding of the unique ‘start every sermon with a question’ technique which has stood so many of us in good stead at St Leonard’s.

However, I have heard of some dissent amongst you, about what to do with the problem known as ‘Network’ (known affectionately by the zealots as ‘Not-work’). I hear that some have even suggested that THE HAPPY CHURCH take up the trendy sport of ‘Ultimate Frisbee’ every Sunday morning as a means of competing for student attendees at services. Do you not remember the teaching we gave you only a year ago?

N.B. Network Church: We are called to take up our crosses, not surfboards (Luke 9:23)

Apparently some say, “I follow the way of the surf”, and others say “I follow the way of the 9.30 AND 6.30 thorough exposition of Romans”. Were we ever divided? Did we ever waver and go the way of Newquay and a questionable understanding of the biblical workings of Spiritual gifts? No we did not. There is no other way, but that of the bible, and that of the THE HAPPY CHURCH/Leonards/Belmont/NFI collective.

Some demand an authority of Experience and Institution, and others seek the Reason of other men, but we preach the authority of the Bible as one above the three others as they are but opinions of men.

Do you not remember the time we spent with you? Every new academic year without fail (well almost) we travelled, and collected groups of shepherd-less Freshers from the gates of the University Great Hall by bold proclamation of a bible teaching, bible believing, God fearing church, that the true sheep amongst them heard the call of and followed. Do you not remember how they followed us, many miles from their halls of residences, over hills, through council estates, and past the temptations of multiple Wetherspoons outlets, before they were faced with the final great trial known as ‘crossing

The Happy Church Freshers: Before heresy and graduate schemes caused them to stray...

Topsham road without using the lights’? Did not many follow and hear the word taught well? These brothers, these are the Fresh that you should be focusing your attentions on come the next day of selection at the great hall, for it is they who will withstand the attacks of the evil one until the final day, and it is they who will help build THE HAPPY CHURCH into a church that is even greater than the one which the Vatican controls (whilst remaining paedophile free).

Grace be with you.

The Bishop does a solo with his "air accordion"...

Hello congregants,

It has been a while since I have written and for that I apologise. Correspondence on Ask the Bishop has been a prominent issue, as well as dealing with many “in-house” incidents with the Curate and race-relation issues…

I have had one issue that has eclipsed all others recently, however, and this has been consoling Chang Chang (position forgotten) over the retirement of Delirious? For all those who have worshipped -  I mean…er… supported – the band over the years this is a blow. But all “good” things must come to an end.

I wish to briefly examine the phenomenon of Christian rock bands. It has always been confusing to me as to who one is worshipping at their concerts – Is it the band or the Lord? This is not the band’s fault – they’re playing the music, but impressionable youths often get caught up in it. At least now Delirious are no more, there will be some clarity. For Chang Chang, he still has his trinity of Tim Hughes, Matt Redman and Stuart Townend to send him to sleep at night on his i-pod (the “i” is for idolatry here!), but which Christian music idol will impressionable evangelical teens flock to venerate next?

At least when one goes to see a good pagan rock band, it’s clear that you’re there for the music. However, at Christian band concerts it is confusing, as the music is not particularly good and it’s not worship either. The other problem is when pagan rock bands make better music with a better eschatological content than some Christian bands. See below for an example:

To which altar shall I seek refuge? Switchfoot or Slayer? Delirious or Deftones? Phatfish or Pantera? – Oh the dilemma! Who will deliver me from this?! I hear AC/DC and Aerosmith are at the Download Festival this year…! Let’s rock!

The Bishop's unorthodox prayer stance...

That said,  there are Christian artists that the Bishop admires  when they are truly worshipping (and not trying to be a rock band) such Phatfish, Keith Green, Carl Tuttle, Matt Giles (I think he’s the oldest!), Taize, Dominican monks etc., but I have learned of a worrying trend: People want to make worship for the fame and money, even more than in just being a plain rock band. My brothers, this should not be! Eph. 5.19 was not means to be laundered!

In short, either lead worship or just make good music. Unfortunately, it seems that unless you are in THE HAPPY CHURCH worship band,  doing both is sadly not possible.

Bless you,
The Bishop

An ecumenical meeting between various Christian groups on the University of Exeter campus on Friday night ended in disaster when the THE HAPPY CHURCH Rector’s call for unity in the body of Christ ended with more he bargained for.

FUSE – an interdenominational venture – was a night presided over by THE HAPPY CHURCH on campus with the intention of unifying believers from all backgrounds and churches. Over the course of two hours, the presidents of NOOMA, CathSoc, MethANG, SPEAK and ECU set out their respective visions for the next academic year, affirmed the importance of proclaiming the gospel and collectively celebrated our unity in Jesus Christ.

Unfortunately, things took a turn for the worse when the more literal in the group reinterpreted the Rector’s keynote speech on “The glue that binds the universal church” as an instruction to anoint one another in industrial sealant.

Stuck together for Christ...

Although there were concerns about inhaling excessive glue fumes, a MethANG spokesperson declared:

“This is no worse than the incense on a Sunday morning”

The result has seen a new-found closeness between the societies which has shown the real meaning of “we, being many, are one body in Christ” (Rom. 12:5)

THE HAPPY CHURCH STAFF FRONT RESPONSIBLE DRINKING CAMPAIGN!

A new anti-drinking crusade led by THE HAPPY CHURCH has been a spectacular success. ‘Water into Wine‘ is the brain-child of the Social Action minister based on the account of Jesus turning water into wine. Being cessationists, THE HAPPY CHURCH are unable to miraculously change the physical properties of H20 so instead the campaign has seen members pouring water into bottles of alcohol in stores and pubs around Exeter.

A campaign poster

Police have admitted that whilst incidents of drunkeness have dropped tenfold, there has been a 240% increase of hyper-hydration amongst participants in University initiation ceremonies.

Angry retaliations by local publicans have seen them entering THE HAPPY CHURCH baptismal pool en masse and turning water into urine.

Excess urine in the baptismal pool has rendered it out of action until further notice...

THE HAPPY CHURCH MEN’S CHOIR PRODUCE NEW MUSIC VIDEO

After months of preparation and minutes of practice, THE HAPPY CHURCH Men’s Choir have filmed their debut cover of Stuart Townsend’s  ‘In Christ Alone‘ .

Although the project was the brainchild of the Worship Deacon,  he was engaged on the day;  playing with his organ* for the women attending THE HAPPY CHURCH Pure Course.

The Men’s Choir have been booked for several bar mitzvahs and are looking into collaborative work with Jay-Z.

*Unhelpful.

Accordingly, THE HAPPY CHURCH is fielding carefully-picked candidates to represent Christ to the fullest in constituencies across Sheffield, Exeter and London. Throughout the week, our staff have been out on the streets tirelessly canvassing and meeting prospective voters/ converts.

A list of the candidates can be found here.

Last week the Rector went head-to-head with the main party Leaders live on British television. He argued passionately and persuasively why Christianity was true, why the Bible could be trusted and the implications for voters if they didn’t vote for THE HAPPY CHURCH.  He also used the platform to roll out a second wave of manifesto policies:

The Rector during the Leaders' Debate...

-        WE BELIEVE ALTERNATIVE FUELS SUCH AS WIND AND HYDROELECTRIC POWER ARE REDUNDANT IN A MODERN BRITAIN

“Jesus got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm” (Matthew 8:26)

-        LOWER ROAD TAX FOR ALL VEHICLES

“The eunuch in the chariot went on his way rejoicing” (Acts 8:39)

-        EARLY RELEASE FOR GOOD BEHAVIOUR

“They arrested the apostles and put them in jail. But during the night an angel of the Lord opened the doors of the jail and brought them out” (Acts 5:31)

-           FAIR VISITATION RIGHTS AND ACCESS TO CHILDREN  FOR DIVORCED PARENTS

“Jesus asked Mary and Joseph,  “Didn’t you know I had to be in my Father’s house?” (Luke 2:49)

-           WE WILL NOT ENTER INTO A LIB-LAB-HAP HUNG PARLIAMENT PACT

“Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common?” (2 Cor. 14)

Whilst the Rector spoke confidently on issues of social justice and law & order, he noticeably shied away from the most pressing question of the night from Mr A. Lines of Wimbledon who manically demanded to know whether THE HAPPY CHURCH government would call a referendum on the 99p coin.

If you have enjoyed following our party over the past two weeks and wish to vote for THE HAPPY CHURCH on May 6th, please go here and click ‘like’.  We want to turn your 6,000+ views into votes!

If you don’t, Nick Griffin will eat you.

Fearing that Christians have been marginalised in mainstream politics or are unwilling to commit to any of the main three parties, THE HAPPY CHURCH is seductively waddling into the political arena to bridge the gap between democracy and deity.

Trying to attract the Gay vote...

The eligible Anglican showerman Vaughan Roberts shows his support...

The official campaign slogan is ‘HEALTH, WEALTH and STEALTH (tax)’ and here is a selection of our sound, Biblical policies:

-        TOUGH ON CRIME…

“Peter said, “You have not lied to men but to God”. When Ananias heard this, he fell down and died” (Acts 5:5)

-        ...TOUGH ON THE CAUSES OF CRIME

“If your hand causes you to sin, cut it off” (Mark 10:43)

-        FAIR TRADE NOT FREE TRADE

“The King wants no other price for the bride than a hundred Philistine foreskins” (1 Samuel 18:25)

-        HIGH TAXATION FOR THE TOP 5% EARNERS

2005's Big Issue: Iraq developing WMDs 2010's Big Issue: Iran developing Voldermort

“Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor” (Mark 10:21)

-        THE NHS IS SAFE IN OUR HANDS

“It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick” (Matthew 9:12)

-        WE WILL MAKE SURE OUR SOLDIERS IN IRAQ ARE PROPERLY EQUIPPED WITH HI-TECH WEAPONRY

“Dividing the three hundred men into three companies, he placed trumpets and empty jars in the hands of all of them” (Judges 7:8)

-        …AND REPLACE TRIDENT WITH A CHEAPER ANTI-NUCLEAR DETERRENT

“Finding a fresh jaw-bone of a donkey, he grabbed it and struck down a thousand men” (Judges 15:15)

These are just a small selection of our policies*.  More to follow next week.

The Rector can be seen in the final Leaders debate (chaired by Pontius Paxman) this Thursday at 10PM, BBC2 .

*NB: In the event we take government, our policies are subject to change or, indeed, complete omission)

Today we will be looking at THE ELDERLY

“Blessed are the pacemakers…”

Our elderly are a credit to the Church...

Like many Anglican churches, THE HAPPY CHURCH almost entirely comprises of pensioners. As the congregants most likely to see Jesus first, care and provision for the elderly is one of highest priorities of THE HAPPY CHURCH (preceded only by preaching the Gospel and our ‘Clogs For Dogs’ initiative)

Whilst expenditure cutbacks have meant the prioritising of after-service biscuits over wheelchair access, central heating and Bibles for the visually-impaired, THE HAPPY CHURCH continues to deliver quality service and provision for our over-65s.

Many of the elderly in British society are marginalised, shunned and incinerated for their gold fillings. Not so at THE HAPPY CHURCH. We strongly believe that the elderly should continue to contribute for the good of the church and refuse to accept arthritis as an excuse not to scale the building and change the asbestos lining on the roof. We also encourage values such as independence – for example: every Winter we biblically abandon our elderly in the wilderness for forty days and forty nights – and thrift (by making them tithe daily).

THE HAPPY CHURCH elderly with the local constabulary

THE HAPPY CHURCH’s elderly are not just confined to the church but are also hugely active in the local community. Our elderly frequently participate in neighbourhood watch schemes (affectionately known by the elderly as ‘Black Watch’) and accompany CSOs on the beat. Whilst they cannot be expected to chase after hardened criminals, THE HAPPY CHURCH elderly continue to dish out uncompromising Levitical moral laws to any hooded-thugs eating shellfish (Lev 11.10).

The long-running Methuselah Project is a church-community scheme that organizes appropriate age-based activities for our elderly including sky-diving, mixed-gender prophesying and competitive Apocrypha tossing. The Spirit of Caleb Foundation is another project that conscripts octogenarian congregants to serve in the war effort in places such as Iraq and Afghanistan.

Another function of our elderly is as replacement gargoyles to keep away burglars and Scientologists. One congregant Agatha, 72,  has been a gargoyle on the upper east spire of THE HAPPY CHURCH for over seven months, and descends only to collect her pension or for  a repeat prescription of Seven Seas.

Agatha, 72 - congregant and gargoyle

THE HAPPY CHURCH has an active care-in-the-community scheme which entails door-to-door visits to the elderly carried out by our Social Action Minister and our Minister for Counter-Heresy. The visits can either be pastoral or disciplinary (depending on if Rob Bell literature is found in the home).

To volunteer to be an elderly person at THE HAPPY CHURCH, you will need to sign our Doctrinal Basis and then sign over the most valuable contents of your will to c/o THE HAPPY CHURCH. This covers the cost of:

-         Bose 5000 sub-woofers to amplify sermons from Romans for the hearing-impaired

A pastoral visit to the elderly by our Curate

-         Gluten-free communion wafers for those with I.B.S or false teeth

-         Cleaning walking-stick marks in the church hall

-          Legal-fees in case of court action due to old-school casual racism

NB: None of THE HAPPY CHURCH staff are qualified to perform Last Rites, but we are happy to discuss funeral arrangements. Pyrotechnics can be arranged at competitive rates.

Our Care in the community team preparing to do ministry in a Retirement Home

Brothers and Sisters,

We are  writing to you to encourage with you with the news of THE HAPPY CHURCH (Sheffield) plant, that by the Grace of God and the considerable financial backing of THE HAPPY CHURCH (Exeter), has now firmly taken root here in Yorkshire.

As our mission field spreads, we have focused our teaching upon the areas of the Peak District and The Works Indoor Bouldering Centre, where we faithfully continue to preach the gospel to all those that will listen, as often as frequent snow falls and monetary lapses allow us. Many have come to join us, and our brother Andy, who although he has not yet met you, struggles both in prayer for you daily, and with his frequent bouts of polio.

Our brother Gregg, a recent graduate of our ‘Romans Explored’ Course, has also begun a new cruising ministry, whereby he drives along the Eccelsal Road, following the ‘rude boi’ worshipers of dubstep and their false idols of modified Ford Fiestas, playing out ‘Barwick Green’ by Arthur Wood (otherwise known as The Archers theme tune) in order to drown out their music and initiate conversation as they seek to challenge him on his musical appendages.

We did recently have to admonish our brother Chris however, as he preached Hosea 4 v5b to those with whom he had quarrelled. However, if he should visit you in forthcoming months, please welcome him as a faithful servant, for he usually is, if you can support him in his overcoming of his Genesis 9:21 moments.

The THE HAPPY CHURCH here in Yorkshire sends you greetings. Greet J’Ro, Gouldy, Larkin and Smorris warmly and with a holy kiss; Drew, who is one of us, greets you. We are sending Luke to you shortly, to keep you in the knowledge of the way, and to teach you of the abseiling techniques required for the deployment of the evangelistic banner to the underside of the road bridge, and we shall continue to do so until his Young Persons Rail Card expires.

Grace be with you.

Brother Luke uses his faith (and considerable upper-body strength) to move mountains...

——————-

After the conversion of Godzilla in January, we have had a sudden increase in Church membership. Godzilla has a very unique method of evangelism: tearing down every building in Tokyo except for THE HAPPY SHRINE so nobody has anywhere else to go. If this is not how you are reaching out in your neighborhood, then we strongly encourage you to search inside yourself and rethink your methods.

Crowds of punters stream into THE HAPPY SHRINE

We are even drawing in great crowds of children now, most of them recovering Naruto fans seeking repentance for the Naruto fandom condemned in the last HAPPY SHRINE update. We are very pleased to see that, despite the Japanese tendency to be very defensive of their own customs, they are very keen to worship as THE HAPPY CHURCH do back in the United Kingdom. This pleases us because the HAPPY CHURCH Worship Leader will not be given the extra pressure of producing J-Pop renditions of all his greatest hits.* We have begun a series of lessons aimed at Japanese children intended to familiarise them with the great psalmists: Graham Kendrick, Chris Tomlin, and 29th Chapter.

* We may force him to anyway, because J-pop is awesome.

Teaching Japan's younger generation about Graham Kendrick

Great advantage of Japan’s technological craftmanship is being taken in THE HAPPY SHRINE. Firstly, where THE HAPPY CHURCH has Luke Denby-Hollis as its counter-heresy minister, we have employed the KABUTOM RX-03 to ‘process’ heretics in the orient. The KABUTOM RX-03 was kindly donated by it’s creator: the uncle of one of my own English students. For those interested in the technical aspects of the The KABUTOM RX-03, it is fitted with an 3L5ON-X1000 brand herecy alarm and detects leaks in doctrinal soundness (99.43% true positive rate) using advanced pattern recognition algorithms to match statements picked up through its audio receptors to an on-board Dan Brown novel. Among other achievements, The KABUTOM RX-03 was quick to notice that upon making weekly donations in the offering, congregation members are aware of how much they donate, contradicting the Biblical command that the left hand must not be allowed to witness what the right hand is doing (Matt. 6:3). In light of this, experts at Yamada electronics have developed a donation-randomisation machine. The machine provides a button, which when pressed with the right hand, transfers a random sum of money from one’s bank account into the church’s funds.

That’s all for now, though before I go, I would like to ask all THE HAPPY SHRINE congregation members to respect the sacred spring, and not throw coins into it. The sacred spring is reserved as the personal water closet for members of THE HAPPY CHURCH’s higher order when they visit for inspection, and its misuse will not be tolerated. The Head Deacon has already complained that the placement of the sign discouraging the spring’s misuse makes squatting rather awkward.

- Joee Townsend