Thehappychurch's Blog

At THE HAPPY CHURCH, we feel that it is important to highlight the less-trumpeted ministries that go on in the church and behind-the-scenes. Jesus described his followers as “the light of the world” (Matt. 4:14), and reminded us that people “do not light a lamp and put it under a bowl” (Matt. 5:15). The LOOKING AT series will make sure none of our staff are under bowls.

Today we will be looking at THE ELDERLY

“Blessed are the pacemakers…”

Our elderly are a credit to the Church...

Like many Anglican churches, THE HAPPY CHURCH almost entirely comprises of pensioners. As the congregants most likely to see Jesus first, care and provision for the elderly is one of highest priorities of THE HAPPY CHURCH (preceded only by preaching the Gospel and our ‘Clogs For Dogs’ initiative)

Whilst expenditure cutbacks have meant the prioritising of after-service biscuits over wheelchair access, central heating and Bibles for the visually-impaired, THE HAPPY CHURCH continues to deliver quality service and provision for our over-65s.

Many of the elderly in British society are marginalised, shunned and incinerated for their gold fillings. Not so at THE HAPPY CHURCH. We strongly believe that the elderly should continue to contribute for the good of the church and refuse to accept arthritis as an excuse not to scale the building and change the asbestos lining on the roof. We also encourage values such as independence – for example: every Winter we biblically abandon our elderly in the wilderness for forty days and forty nights – and thrift (by making them tithe daily).

THE HAPPY CHURCH elderly with the local constabulary

THE HAPPY CHURCH’s elderly are not just confined to the church but are also hugely active in the local community. Our elderly frequently participate in neighbourhood watch schemes (affectionately known by the elderly as ‘Black Watch’) and accompany CSOs on the beat. Whilst they cannot be expected to chase after hardened criminals, THE HAPPY CHURCH elderly continue to dish out uncompromising Levitical moral laws to any hooded-thugs eating shellfish (Lev 11.10).

The long-running Methuselah Project is a church-community scheme that organizes appropriate age-based activities for our elderly including sky-diving, mixed-gender prophesying and competitive Apocrypha tossing. The Spirit of Caleb Foundation is another project that conscripts octogenarian congregants to serve in the war effort in places such as Iraq and Afghanistan.

Another function of our elderly is as replacement gargoyles to keep away burglars and Scientologists. One congregant Agatha, 72,  has been a gargoyle on the upper east spire of THE HAPPY CHURCH for over seven months, and descends only to collect her pension or for  a repeat prescription of Seven Seas.

Agatha, 72 - congregant and gargoyle

THE HAPPY CHURCH has an active care-in-the-community scheme which entails door-to-door visits to the elderly carried out by our Social Action Minister and our Minister for Counter-Heresy. The visits can either be pastoral or disciplinary (depending on if Rob Bell literature is found in the home).

To volunteer to be an elderly person at THE HAPPY CHURCH, you will need to sign our Doctrinal Basis and then sign over the most valuable contents of your will to c/o THE HAPPY CHURCH. This covers the cost of:

-         Bose 5000 sub-woofers to amplify sermons from Romans for the hearing-impaired

A pastoral visit to the elderly by our Curate

-         Gluten-free communion wafers for those with I.B.S or false teeth

-         Cleaning walking-stick marks in the church hall

-          Legal-fees in case of court action due to old-school casual racism

NB: None of THE HAPPY CHURCH staff are qualified to perform Last Rites, but we are happy to discuss funeral arrangements. Pyrotechnics can be arranged at competitive rates.

Our Care in the community team preparing to do ministry in a Retirement Home

At THE HAPPY CHURCH, we feel that it is important to highlight the less-trumpeted ministries that go on in the church and behind-the-scenes. Jesus described his followers as “the light of the world” (Matt. 4:14), and reminded us that people “do not light a lamp and put it under a bowl” (Matt. 5:15). The LOOKING AT series will make sure none of our staff are under bowls.

Today we will be looking at our Street Pastorz…

The Rector in Street Pastorz apparel

“More Street, than Pastorz”

The Street Pastorz is an initiative that grew out of a deep love for our community and 50 Cent. Inspired by the Biblical imperative of Matthew 5:16 and having watched seasons 1-5 of The Wire, THE HAPPY CHURCH Street Pastorz Scheme was born.

The aim of Street Pastoring is fivefold:

Street Pastorz make the police's job just that little bit less stressful!

- To be a visible Christian presence on the streets on the hours when nightclubs clear-out

- Using the Christ-centred message of gangsta rap as a means of evangelism

- To provide support for Police and CSOs

- To make sure revellers get home safely

- To go onto the streets and witness to revellers about the Gospel of Jesus Christ

Ready to shank fools and save souls...

Street Pastor with decoy 'woman'.

In the Wesleyan tradition, we go out every Friday and Saturday night, dressed in bling and other assorted urban attire, in groups of four with one attractive woman allotted to each group. Whilst the men get on with the important job of labouring for the Gospel, the women are used either as bait or decoys. Jesus taught us to be fishers of men, and at THE HAPPY CHURCH we have found the most effective lure to be 36DDs.

Street Pastorz seek to engage with locals and through our Christ-centred witness, point them towards a life-changing, saving faith through knowing Jesus Christ. Once we have a captive audience, we frequently employ battle-freestyle techniques as exhibited by Eminem in ‘8 Mile’ to explain the Gospel message. If this doesn’t win the crowd over, we then try and explain the Gospel message with interpretive break-dancing which look EXACTLY like this.

Occasionally, Street Pastorz face objections to the Christian message. This can be anything from people politely declining, to more extreme cases where they insult our mums (The latter event saw the Head Deacon’s mother coming to Exeter to comfort her beloved son and instigate what is only spoken of in hushed-tones as ‘Black Death Saturday’). In the rare event that things turn physical, months spent watching Songs of Praise means we are more than capable of dishing-out tough “street justice”.

To volunteer to be a Street Pastor, you will need to agree to our Doctrinal Basis and then pay £30. This covers the cost of training which includes:

-         Battle freestyle lessons

-         A Street Pastorz hoodie

-         Standard issue bling; A doctrinally-sound chain with Reformed Lutheran cross emblem

-         Jay-Z’s ‘The Blueprint’ album and John Stott’s ‘The Cross of Christ’

If you are interested please contact THE HAPPY CHURCH here.

The Bishop drags a reprobate through the streets.

Street justice - Anglican style.

OUTREACH PROGRAMMES

Christianity Explored

Was Jesus REALLY God? How can we know the Bible is true? What about other religions? Why is ‘In Christ Alone’ clearly the greatest song of all time?

Getting ready to explore Christianity!

All these questions and more are answered at our weekly ‘Christianity Explored’ sessions in which both seekers and Christians who are just beginning their walk with Christ can come together to learn more about the Christian faith.

THE HAPPY CHURCH lads mingle...

Speed-dating and Singles’ night

Another initiative from the Worship Leader, Singles’ night – which happens on the first Tuesday of each month – provides unattached members [unhelpful] with the chance to find that ‘Special Someone’ (after they have found Jesus first, of course!). The evening is an informal chance to mingle with like-minded people and whilst clothing is desirable, it is not mandatory.

Nightclub Evangelism

The Webmaster and The Curate enjoy 'In Christ Alone' (trance remix)

Whilst popular accusations of the church describe it as “out of touch”, THE HAPPY CHURCH rejects the separatist theology of yesteryear and ignores the clear imperatives of 1 Thessalonians 5:22 by donning it’s glad-rags every Friday and Saturday night and entering the murky world of the urban club scene.

As a Church that likes to “meet seekers where they are”, we find one of the best places is in the RnB section of Arena. Itis not uncommon to see the Curate dancing to Soulja Boy whilst explaining the finer points of Reformed Calvinism. Whilst we still can’t afford a church-mini van – WE DO HAVE A LASH-TRAIN.

We also run a piggy-back service to help drunks get home safely.

Social Action Saturday

“Preach the Gospel at all times and when necessary use words” – St Francis of Assisi.

“ALLOW carrying dem tings man. Truesay man’s got a heart murmur you know” – Head Deacon, THE HAPPY CHURCH.

Both these sentiments, accurately sum up the life of a Christian – sacrificial, exemplary and demonstrative. Accordingly, every Saturday afternoon, members of THE HAPPY CHURCH go out onto the streets to engage with the local populace and give help wherever it is needed. Through recycling used Pizza Hut boxes, we hope to reflect the atoning love of Christ given to us freely.

Servant-hearted.

International Night

This was scheduled to be a fortnightly evangelistic event for local internationals but had to be cancelled once the Curate found out about it and refused to be talked out of participating.

SERVICES

The Rector entertains a young couple from THE HAPPY CHURCH

THE HAPPY CHURCH holds three services on a Sunday. They are as follows:

9AM and 11AM Family Service with Communion

6.30PM Evening Service with Communion.

Once a month there is ‘New Members’ lunch (with Communion) held at KFC on Sidwell Street.

Baptismal Services (with Communion) are held on the first Sunday of months containing the letter ‘u’ or beginning with the letter ‘M’.

CRECHE

The Counter-Heresy Minister places a creche-child in his patented 'Interrogation Chair'...

An initiative first suggested by the Worship Leader – our crèche-scheme (with Communion) is intended to attract the desirable ‘yummy Mummy’ demographic. The crèche runs on Tuesday and Thursday mornings from 9.30AM – 9.45AM.

Whilst Jesus did say, said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these” (Matthew 19:14), our Counter-Heresy Minister insists on putting all new-born applicants through rigorous security checks.

SUNDAY SCHOOL

Sunday School meets somewhere well-lit in the purpose-built, high-security nursery cupboard. Initially all Nappers, Clappers and Slappers sing ‘In Christ Alone’ together repeatedly with the leaders until the Head Deacon is out of earshot. This is followed by separate age related groups:

Happy Nappers

is a group for children aged six months to two years old. This group meets in a large room with opportunities for play and for ‘table work’. Cryogenic sleeping pods are also provided nearby for exhausted mothers. The children are encouraged to listen to Bible stories and to spend time colouring pictures and applying [post-lash] make-up to the Children and Women’s Minister’s face.

THE HAPPY CHURCH Sunday School ladies enjoy happy times with a yute

Happy Clappers

is a musical group for children aged three to seven. Structured play is followed by Bible teaching and simple craft activities. Happy Clappers seeks to engage young children with sound doctrine and a love for God’s Word from as early as possible. We do this using instructive riddims such as ‘Bibles Bibles’ and ‘Shine Jesus Shine’.

Happy Slappers

is for deprived local children who have started secondary school. The teaching program is based on solid Evangelical Bible teaching and weapon-disarming techniques employed at Feltham Young Offenders Institute, London. Happy Slappers develops themes introduced in the children’s talk at the beginning of the morning service. Children are encouraged to think through applications of the Bible material and how it relates to contemporary issues such teenage pregnancy and urban gun-crime. The motto of Happy Slappers is ‘Pray before you Spray’.