Thehappychurch's Blog

Luke Denby-Hollis, called to be a disciple of Christ Jesus, by the will of God, through being sent up to the highlands of Sheffield and South Yorkshire some months ago:

Brothers and Sisters,

We are  writing to you to encourage with you with the news of THE HAPPY CHURCH (Sheffield) plant, that by the Grace of God and the considerable financial backing of THE HAPPY CHURCH (Exeter), has now firmly taken root here in Yorkshire.

As our mission field spreads, we have focused our teaching upon the areas of the Peak District and The Works Indoor Bouldering Centre, where we faithfully continue to preach the gospel to all those that will listen, as often as frequent snow falls and monetary lapses allow us. Many have come to join us, and our brother Andy, who although he has not yet met you, struggles both in prayer for you daily, and with his frequent bouts of polio.

Our brother Gregg, a recent graduate of our ‘Romans Explored’ Course, has also begun a new cruising ministry, whereby he drives along the Eccelsal Road, following the ‘rude boi’ worshipers of dubstep and their false idols of modified Ford Fiestas, playing out ‘Barwick Green’ by Arthur Wood (otherwise known as The Archers theme tune) in order to drown out their music and initiate conversation as they seek to challenge him on his musical appendages.

We did recently have to admonish our brother Chris however, as he preached Hosea 4 v5b to those with whom he had quarrelled. However, if he should visit you in forthcoming months, please welcome him as a faithful servant, for he usually is, if you can support him in his overcoming of his Genesis 9:21 moments.

The THE HAPPY CHURCH here in Yorkshire sends you greetings. Greet J’Ro, Gouldy, Larkin and Smorris warmly and with a holy kiss; Drew, who is one of us, greets you. We are sending Luke to you shortly, to keep you in the knowledge of the way, and to teach you of the abseiling techniques required for the deployment of the evangelistic banner to the underside of the road bridge, and we shall continue to do so until his Young Persons Rail Card expires.

Grace be with you.

Brother Luke uses his faith (and considerable upper-body strength) to move mountains...

The latest update from our mission partner in Japan:

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After the conversion of Godzilla in January, we have had a sudden increase in Church membership. Godzilla has a very unique method of evangelism: tearing down every building in Tokyo except for THE HAPPY SHRINE so nobody has anywhere else to go. If this is not how you are reaching out in your neighborhood, then we strongly encourage you to search inside yourself and rethink your methods.

Crowds of punters stream into THE HAPPY SHRINE

We are even drawing in great crowds of children now, most of them recovering Naruto fans seeking repentance for the Naruto fandom condemned in the last HAPPY SHRINE update. We are very pleased to see that, despite the Japanese tendency to be very defensive of their own customs, they are very keen to worship as THE HAPPY CHURCH do back in the United Kingdom. This pleases us because the HAPPY CHURCH Worship Leader will not be given the extra pressure of producing J-Pop renditions of all his greatest hits.* We have begun a series of lessons aimed at Japanese children intended to familiarise them with the great psalmists: Graham Kendrick, Chris Tomlin, and 29th Chapter.

* We may force him to anyway, because J-pop is awesome.

Teaching Japan's younger generation about Graham Kendrick

Great advantage of Japan’s technological craftmanship is being taken in THE HAPPY SHRINE. Firstly, where THE HAPPY CHURCH has Luke Denby-Hollis as its counter-heresy minister, we have employed the KABUTOM RX-03 to ‘process’ heretics in the orient. The KABUTOM RX-03 was kindly donated by it’s creator: the uncle of one of my own English students. For those interested in the technical aspects of the The KABUTOM RX-03, it is fitted with an 3L5ON-X1000 brand herecy alarm and detects leaks in doctrinal soundness (99.43% true positive rate) using advanced pattern recognition algorithms to match statements picked up through its audio receptors to an on-board Dan Brown novel. Among other achievements, The KABUTOM RX-03 was quick to notice that upon making weekly donations in the offering, congregation members are aware of how much they donate, contradicting the Biblical command that the left hand must not be allowed to witness what the right hand is doing (Matt. 6:3). In light of this, experts at Yamada electronics have developed a donation-randomisation machine. The machine provides a button, which when pressed with the right hand, transfers a random sum of money from one’s bank account into the church’s funds.

That’s all for now, though before I go, I would like to ask all THE HAPPY SHRINE congregation members to respect the sacred spring, and not throw coins into it. The sacred spring is reserved as the personal water closet for members of THE HAPPY CHURCH’s higher order when they visit for inspection, and its misuse will not be tolerated. The Head Deacon has already complained that the placement of the sign discouraging the spring’s misuse makes squatting rather awkward.

- Joee Townsend

The latest from our mission partner in Japan:

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My first month in Japan has been a very good one. More and more people are becoming interested in the work of THE HAPPY SHRINE, particularly a large number of youth we brought in through our bring-a-friend ‘Drinking Battle Royale’ night. Furthermore, my language skills have improved enough to order a good curry rice.

Here’s what’s happening at THE HAPPY SHRINE:

Godzilla and his friend King Kong locked in a two-man(beast) 'Ring-a-ring-a-roses'.

The Conversion of Godzilla

Unfortunately, we have not seen many conversions as of yet, but we are thankful for the one conversation we have seen: that of a Mr. Godzilla:

When asked about his testimony, Godzilla was quoted as saying “RRAAARGRRGHHH”. In other words, after many years of destroying Tokyo on numerous occasions as recorded in the motion pictures ‘Godzilla’, ‘Godzilla vs. The Sea Monster’ and ‘Godzilla vs. Mothra’, Godzilla began to question his own ways as recorded in ‘Godzilla vs. His own personal demons’. He is now an active member of THE HAPPY SHRINE, often assisting on the welcome team before services and helping to set-down after church events. Now, Godzilla only fights for what he believes, as recorded in such films as ‘Godzilla vs. Sunday Commerce’. He has managed to rebuild a friendship with King Kong, and hopes to bring him along to church some time soon.

Characters of 'Naruto' also try to appeal to youth by breaking out 'gunfingaz'

Should our kids read Naruto?

A heated issue of late is whether or not we should be letting Japanese children read Naruto comics. For those who are unenlightened as to the issues surrounding this controversial material, ‘Naruto’ is a series of Manga comics (now also an Anime TV series) about pre-pubescant ninja ‘Naruto’, and his two friends ‘Sakura’ and ‘Sasuke’, going through ninja school. At first, you may fail to see the threat here, which is understandable. Surely, it’s just a bit of harmless fun, right? Wrong. What we must be aware of is that ninjas, and the practice of Ninjutsu, are VERY REAL. Ninja school might make an interesting story for young children, but if we are not careful, they’ll develop a general interest in the practice of Ninjutsu. Before long, they’ll be lost to it’s evil and beyond help. This whole issue is debatable, but coming from a conservative background, THE HAPPY SHRINE has decided to play it safe and urges you to KEEP NARUTO AWAY FROM YOUR CHILDREN.

Also, Sasuke is a racist.

Thats all from THE HAPPY SHRINE for now. As the Japanese would say: ‘See you rater arrigator’.

Webmaster / Missionary Joee Townsend has safely landed in Japan, and wastes no time in church planting. He sent us the following mission report:

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Greetings everybody. It’s nice to be out here in Ibaraki, Japan. As I passed through Tokyo to get here, I made sure to set up the first THE HAPPY CHURCH church plant there. Friends, I would like to present to you, THE HAPPY SHRINE.

THE HAPPY SHRINE main building

Following THE HAPPY CHURCH’s policy on building ownership, THE HAPPY SHRINE has built its own meeting place in Ueno Park, Tokyo, and a concourse. After services, congregation members are encouraged to proceed into the concourse for green tea and biscuits.

THE HAPPY SHRINE is a small congregation, but with a big vision. We hope for more members soon, and for an end to theft of lead from the shrine roof.

I apologise that I cannot tell you much more, but I am extremely busy out here in Japan on my next mision project: Building a new HAPPY SHRINE on Mount Fuji, and then using faith as small as a mustard seed to move this mountain to a more central location, more accessible to the average Japanese family.

THE HAPPY SHRINE, under construction.

THE HAPPY SHRINE concourse.