Archive for the ‘Rhetoric from the Rector’ Category
RHETORIC FROM THE RECTOR
A space dedicated to the circumnabulatory thoughts and cognitive miscarriages of THE HAPPY CHURCH Rector.
The Rector during mating season (al fresco)
My dear congregants, my holy children,
I am sorry it has been so long since I have written an address to you or, indeed, set foot in THE HAPPY CHURCH, of which I am Rector. However, as those of you who do not immediately fall asleep the moment the Priest is about to enter for Sunday Communion(s) will have noticed, I have been away.
Fr. Charles "Kennedy" Boozer (Formerly of the Church of Liberal Democrats)
I was under the impression that I had accurate (albeit vague) memories of the past two months. I have a picture in mind of myself and Fr. Charlie Boozer (he of the nearby
The PA to the Head Deacon's debut novel (£9.99 RRP)
Functional Cessationist Liberal High Anglican New and Reformed Rechabite Church of St. Jonny of Vegas) slumped in the vestry of the church aforesaid, of which he is vicar, in front of several crates of communion wine. The picture becomes somewhat more hazy after this. But I had thought we had been treated at this time to many visits by the ladies of the large, cutting-edge, female-voice choir of St. Jonny’s, which Fr. Charlie formed himself, known as ‘Charlie’s Angels’. I tend to suppress memories of what I thought had happened next, but I can’t help picturing Fr. Charlie wearing his new sets of vestments (trying on a set for every liturgical season) and asking the ladies for their expert opinions as to how well they fitted. In the meantime – so I had thought – he was regaling these heavenly beings with lines from the latest book written by our PA to the Head Deacon, Mr. Chang Chang Lu, Christian That’s what She Said Jokes.
Police brutality.
Let me assure you, though, that the matter has been cleared up by my Press Officer, Mr. Chris Tilt, standing in for Mr. Joeee Townsend currently on oriental peregrinations . He has assured me, in no uncertain terms, that I was, in fact dealing with a municipal disagreement in a little-know place called Afghanistan. Mr. Tilt told me I had concluded that the problem of global terror is caused by Mr.Ozzy Bin Liner’s inadequacy issues concerning the old-fashioned state of his clothing. Please refrain from asking me any further questions concerning this episode in the immediate future, because Mr. Tilt is currently detained by police officers who, as we have come to expect in our morally bankrupt society, have been subjecting this respectable member of THE HAPPY CHURCH to some quite unpleasant and unnecessary questioning over several thousand pounds worth of illegal narcotics, which had inadvertently found their way into his hot water bottle and slippers. Now that we have such a successful charitable operation underway, it would be a shame if I said something silly which contradicted the Press Officer’s official line. Being a terrifically
Role model.
Old model.
contemporary sort of chap, I am delighted that we are following the excellent philanthropic example set by St. Heather of Mills, in recent years,when she asked for £50,000, for the purposes of charitable donations, to be included in her divorce settlement from the Apostle Paul of McCartney.
In any case, I am now wholly convinced that my amnesia and hallucinations were caused by the potency of Afghani green tree. Indeed, I discussed my theory with Fr. Charlie, when I caught him emerging from the St. Jonny of Vegas’ vestry with an empty wine cruet who he introduced as his new PA, the delightful Mrs. Cheryl Cole (Fr. Charlie chose her purely because she was the best candidate for the job). He informed me that he had no recollection of these events I described, before hurriedly performing the Heimlich manoeuvre on Mrs. Cole, who said she was choking on a stray communion wafer.
Finally, it has come to my attention that some of you were unhappy that I decided not to go to work on the day after I arrived home, on the grounds that it wasn’t a Sunday. I am and was aware that, as a result of my absence, there would be no Church leaders available to chair the discussion entitled, ‘Cessationism: Why it is a Jolly Good Thing’. I am therefore pleased to inform you that, throughout, this meeting was in fact lead by the Holy Spirit.
I hope some of you will also be aware that, the following day, I did return to work to test the quality of the Church’s new Jacuzzi.
The blessings of the Rector be with you all,
David Beadle
The Rector enjoying the Spirit(s) during a recent visit to St Jonny of Vegas Church
