Thehappychurch's Blog

This week the Bishop tunefully tackles the issue of Christian rock bands…

The Bishop does a solo with his "air accordion"...

Hello congregants,

It has been a while since I have written and for that I apologise. Correspondence on Ask the Bishop has been a prominent issue, as well as dealing with many “in-house” incidents with the Curate and race-relation issues…

I have had one issue that has eclipsed all others recently, however, and this has been consoling Chang Chang (position forgotten) over the retirement of Delirious? For all those who have worshipped -  I mean…er… supported – the band over the years this is a blow. But all “good” things must come to an end.

I wish to briefly examine the phenomenon of Christian rock bands. It has always been confusing to me as to who one is worshipping at their concerts – Is it the band or the Lord? This is not the band’s fault – they’re playing the music, but impressionable youths often get caught up in it. At least now Delirious are no more, there will be some clarity. For Chang Chang, he still has his trinity of Tim Hughes, Matt Redman and Stuart Townend to send him to sleep at night on his i-pod (the “i” is for idolatry here!), but which Christian music idol will impressionable evangelical teens flock to venerate next?

At least when one goes to see a good pagan rock band, it’s clear that you’re there for the music. However, at Christian band concerts it is confusing, as the music is not particularly good and it’s not worship either. The other problem is when pagan rock bands make better music with a better eschatological content than some Christian bands. See below for an example:

To which altar shall I seek refuge? Switchfoot or Slayer? Delirious or Deftones? Phatfish or Pantera? – Oh the dilemma! Who will deliver me from this?! I hear AC/DC and Aerosmith are at the Download Festival this year…! Let’s rock!

The Bishop's unorthodox prayer stance...

That said,  there are Christian artists that the Bishop admires  when they are truly worshipping (and not trying to be a rock band) such Phatfish, Keith Green, Carl Tuttle, Matt Giles (I think he’s the oldest!), Taize, Dominican monks etc., but I have learned of a worrying trend: People want to make worship for the fame and money, even more than in just being a plain rock band. My brothers, this should not be! Eph. 5.19 was not means to be laundered!

In short, either lead worship or just make good music. Unfortunately, it seems that unless you are in THE HAPPY CHURCH worship band,  doing both is sadly not possible.

Bless you,
The Bishop

ASK THE BISHOP (formerly ‘Bash the Bishop’) is a forum for THE HAPPY CHURCH members who are unclear about various issues be they doctrinal, practical or bestial. Your anonymity is assured.

The Bishop shows us the size of his concordance...

1. Dear Bishop, I only have a small Gideon’s New Testament. Other boys my age have large bibles with a well-developed concordance. Does size matter?

There are two issues here. The first is that you have a small Gideons NT and are worried about the other boys having large bibles with well developed concordances. Do not worry about this. Even the Bishop once had a Gideons NT, but as one matures and develops one finds one growing and eventually owning the ESV Study Bible with concordance, study notes and articles on various themes.  Do not worry: your time will come. Size does not matter, it’s how you use it.

The second worries me, however. You only have half a Bible! As such, your growth is stunted and you’re not developing as you should be.  The Old Testament is equally as important as the New Testament because these were the scriptures Jesus read and prayed from, the OT prophesied and were fulfilled in the coming of Jesus and most importantly, it contains THE HAPPY CHURCH’s Sunday School text, the Song of Songs.  You need the full package in order to grow. I suggest you watch the video below to see the manifold benefits of having a big one:

2.  Dear Bishop, who would win in a fight between Moses and Jesus?

Jesus would kick Moses' butt

A hypothetical question, as these two would not fight. But if they did, clearly Jesus would win for the following reason:

1. Moses killed someone and then ran away (Ex. 2:11-15); Jesus put a man’s ear (Malchius) back on when a disciple (Peter) chopped his ear off (Luke 22:5051; John 18:10-11) . That’s fortitude.

2. Moses = a Servant. Jesus = a Son

3. Moses = faithful in God’s house. Jesus = faithful over God’s house. (Heb. 3:1-6 for both points 2&3)

4. Moses = almost got killed by God (Ex. 4:24-26); Jesus voluntarily went to die on a cross.

5. Moses killed one man for bullying a fellow Israelite (Ex. 2:12); Jesus laid the smackdown on the devil when he died on the cross (Heb. 2:14; 1 John 3:8).

6. In a fight, Jesus can call on a legion of angels (Mt. 26:33). You don’t mess with a legion of angels or the Son of God.

So continue to man up, and be on the side of Jesus – we all want to win…

3. Dear Bishop, I have constipation. Are there any passages in the Bible that would give me a bit of relief?

Unproductive

Fear not, dear brother – there are many passages in the Bible which, may not bring relief but, certainly bring comfort.

For there were 7 constipated men in the Bible:

The first constipated man was Cain, he wasn’t Abel.
The second constipated man was Moses, he took the tablets.
The third constipated man was Balaam, he couldn’t shift his ass.
The fourth constipated man was Samson, he brought the house down.
The fifth constipated man was Solomon, he sat for 40 years.
The sixth constipated man was Peter, he was like a rock.
The seventh constipated man was Titus, his name speaks for itself.

May this bring you comfort, encouragement, stimulation, and above all else, relief!

Blessings to you all,
The Bishop!

ASK THE BISHOP (formerly ‘Bash the Bishop’) is a forum for THE HAPPY CHURCH members who are unclear about various issues be they doctrinal, practical or bestial. Your anonymity is assured.

Ask and ye shall receive...

Dear Bishop, I am the president of a university Christian Union. As a result, I am prone to displays of undeserved smugness and tasteless showmanship. My clothing is questionable and my banter is shocking. What should I do?

Eunuch?

Dear Daniel, what have you got to be smug about? Being the President of a Christian Union is up there with being a eunuch under the Old Covenant – no one wants it! Clearly though, one needs to remember that God resists the proud but embraces the humble (1 Pet. 5:5). God tests us in little things to prove how we’ll do in greater things: let’s see how you cope with kids ministry?

Don’t worry about your clothing being questionable, as with John the Baptist – you’re in good company. Please do wear more than he did, for I imagine your body isn’t a patch on his. As for your banter, aim to be like the prophet Elijah who insinuated that Baal was too busy taking a dump to answer his “prophets” and less like Ham who thought his old man naked was humourous…

Dear Bishop, I am the congregant of a King James-only church. Sometimes I am tempted to look at NIVs on the top shelf of Wesley Owen – HELP!

N.I.V - Top-shelf material?

This is a delicate issue, a bit like keeping ones eyes from looking at the top shelves of a W.H. Smith store. One needs to adopt the posture that the prophet Habakkuk took with God, “Thou art of purer eyes than to behold evil” (Habakkuk 1:13 KJV). Remember, the King James Version is called the Authorized Version for a reason and can be understood only be people over 65, which is a blessing. Meanwhile, the NIV can be understood by everyone, and it’s a dangerous thing for everyone to be able to read the Bible, for then quaint notions are developed. We need to remember the truth that “Many are called, but few are chosen.” (Matthew 22:14 KJV)

Dear Bishop, there is a church in Exeter that meets in the same school as Frontiers Church. This ‘church’ is nowhere near as awesome as Frontiers and we are hoping you can tell us the most Biblical way we can tell them to ‘naff off’.

Fortunately ‘biblically’ doesn’t equal ‘politely’, so on this issue we can turn to the Apostle’s words from the Epistle to the Galatians: “As for those agitators, I wish they would go the whole way and emasculate themselves” (Gal. 5:12) and “Get rid of the slave woman and her son, for the slave woman’s son will never share in the inheritance with the free woman’s son.” (Gal. 4:30). To be honest, when Frontiers meets in the building, the other is off being uber-cool and surfing or drinking frappucinos. That’s fine, but the church that met in the building first should have the building, so indeed it is biblical to tell the other group to “naff off” as you so eloquently put it.

N.B. Network Church: We are called to take up our crosses, not surfboards (Luke 9:23)

A space dedicated to the circumnabulatory thoughts and cognitive miscarriages of THE HAPPY CHURCH Rector.

The Rector during mating season (al fresco)

My dear congregants, my holy children,

I am sorry it has been so long since I have written an address to you or, indeed, set foot in THE HAPPY CHURCH, of which I am Rector. However, as those of you who do not immediately fall asleep the moment the Priest is about to enter for Sunday Communion(s) will have noticed, I have been away.

Fr. Charles "Kennedy" Boozer (Formerly of the Church of Liberal Democrats)

I was under the impression that I had accurate (albeit vague) memories of the past two months. I have a picture in mind of myself and Fr. Charlie Boozer (he of the nearby

The PA to the Head Deacon's debut novel (£9.99 RRP)

Functional Cessationist Liberal High Anglican New and Reformed Rechabite Church of St. Jonny of Vegas) slumped in the vestry of the church aforesaid, of which he is vicar, in front of several crates of communion wine. The picture becomes somewhat more hazy after this. But I had thought we had been treated at this time to many visits by the ladies of the large, cutting-edge, female-voice choir of St. Jonny’s, which Fr. Charlie formed himself, known as ‘Charlie’s Angels’. I tend to suppress memories of what I thought had happened next, but I can’t help picturing Fr. Charlie wearing his new sets of vestments (trying on a set for every liturgical season) and asking the ladies for their expert opinions as to how well they fitted. In the meantime – so I had thought – he was regaling these heavenly beings with lines from the latest book written by our PA to the Head Deacon, Mr. Chang Chang Lu, Christian That’s what She Said Jokes.

Police brutality.

Let me assure you, though, that the matter has been cleared up by my Press Officer, Mr. Chris Tilt, standing in for Mr. Joeee Townsend currently on oriental peregrinations . He has assured me, in no uncertain terms, that I was, in fact dealing with a municipal disagreement in a little-know place called Afghanistan. Mr. Tilt told me I had concluded that the problem of global terror is caused by Mr.Ozzy Bin Liner’s inadequacy issues concerning the old-fashioned state of his clothing. Please refrain from asking me any further questions concerning this episode in the immediate future, because Mr. Tilt is currently detained by police officers who, as we have come to expect in our morally bankrupt society, have been subjecting this respectable member of THE HAPPY CHURCH to some quite unpleasant and unnecessary questioning over several thousand pounds worth of illegal narcotics, which had inadvertently found their way into his hot water bottle and slippers. Now that we have such a successful charitable operation underway, it would be a shame if I said something silly which contradicted the Press Officer’s official line. Being a terrifically

Role model.

Old model.

contemporary sort of chap, I am delighted that we are following the excellent philanthropic example set by St. Heather of Mills, in recent years,when she asked for £50,000, for the purposes of charitable donations, to be included in her divorce settlement from the Apostle Paul of McCartney.

In any case, I am now wholly convinced that my amnesia and hallucinations were caused by the potency of Afghani green tree. Indeed, I discussed my theory with Fr. Charlie, when I caught him emerging from the St. Jonny of Vegas’ vestry with an empty wine cruet who he introduced as his new PA, the delightful Mrs. Cheryl Cole (Fr. Charlie chose her purely because she was the best candidate for the job). He informed me that he had no recollection of these events I described, before hurriedly performing the Heimlich manoeuvre on Mrs. Cole, who said she was choking on a stray communion wafer.

Finally, it has come to my attention that some of you were unhappy that I decided not to go to work on the day after I arrived home, on the grounds that it wasn’t a Sunday. I am and was aware that, as a result of my absence, there would be no Church leaders available to chair the discussion entitled, ‘Cessationism: Why it is a Jolly Good Thing’. I am therefore pleased to inform you that, throughout, this meeting was in fact lead by the Holy Spirit.

I hope some of you will also be aware that, the following day, I did return to work to test the quality of the Church’s new Jacuzzi.

The blessings of the Rector be with you all,
David Beadle

The Rector enjoying the Spirit(s) during a recent visit to St Jonny of Vegas Church

This week, the Bishop tackles the theological issue of… SIDEWAYS HUGS

Bishop’s Blog Star Date 20/01/10 – I have always sought to be “down with the kids” – metaphorically, not literally that is.  Paedophile free since 2010 after all!

The Bishop during a service on his recent covenental circumcision...

The Bishop finds the Curate's Nazi sympathies can be trying at times...

It is an exciting time for a young up-and-comer such as myself, who has had the role of Bishop thrust upon him in such a short period (as long as that’s the only thing being thrusted).  As such, I am aware of the many theological and pastoral issues I need to address, although race relations between the Curate and the entire Chinese population is an area I wish to avoid.

To what should I devote my attention in this first blog?  Green issues are near and dear to THE HAPPY CHURCH’s heart: we encourage our members to tithe as a good start, but I think that should be discussed later when we focus on health, wealth and stealth.  The issue of whether Papal authority is held in Rome with Pope Benedict XVI or Terry I in Brighton, leader of New Frontiers, a movement I enjoyed a happy association with?  No, none of these issues are as important as this new Christian practice known as the  ‘sideways hug’.

Sideways hugs are an invention for a guy and a girl to hug with minimum contact.  As we all know, hugging members of the opposite sex often leads to pregnancy. The idea of the sideways-hug is to promote abstinence and – in light of Matthew 5: 30 – to avoid castration. The beauty of the sideways-hug is that it can be done in a variety of ways; man-on-man, girl-on-girl, man-on-girl, Worship Leader-on-several girls and so forth. Recent events at THE HAPPY CHURCH sideways-hug training day have exposed one flaw regarding the sideways-hug; both parties must be standing during the embrace (The picture below was later used in a sexual harassment suit against THE HAPPY CHURCH legal advisor)

Sideways-hugs: All involved parties' heads should be aligned.

Sideways-hugs keep a fellow pure, but so does walking around in a bubble suit, never watching TV or walking into W.H. Smiths.  In vain, I have looked for scriptural support for this practice, and as yet requests to my old lecturers in Theology have proved to no avail.  Even though the Bible asks us to “hold fast to that which is good” (I Thess. 5:21), scholars are unclear whether this is an early church doctrine on sideways-hugs. In short, I cannot find scriptural backing for being dogmatic on this issue, but that’s never stopped THE HAPPY CHURCH before, so here’s to sideways hugs!

Bless you,

The Bishop!

The sideways-hug even works outside!

The Bishop prepares for a sideways-hug...

The Bishop sideways-hugs his way to a Peace Treaty with China...