Thehappychurch's Blog

ECUMENICAL MEETING EXPERIENCES BONDING PROCESS

An ecumenical meeting between various Christian groups on the University of Exeter campus on Friday night ended in disaster when the THE HAPPY CHURCH Rector’s call for unity in the body of Christ ended with more he bargained for.

FUSE – an interdenominational venture – was a night presided over by THE HAPPY CHURCH on campus with the intention of unifying believers from all backgrounds and churches. Over the course of two hours, the presidents of NOOMA, CathSoc, MethANG, SPEAK and ECU set out their respective visions for the next academic year, affirmed the importance of proclaiming the gospel and collectively celebrated our unity in Jesus Christ.

Unfortunately, things took a turn for the worse when the more literal in the group reinterpreted the Rector’s keynote speech on “The glue that binds the universal church” as an instruction to anoint one another in industrial sealant.

Although there were concerns about inhaling excessive glue fumes, a MethANG spokesperson declared:

“This is no worse than the incense on a Sunday morning”

The result has seen a new-found closeness between the societies which has shown the real meaning of “we, being many, are one body in Christ” (Rom. 12:5)

THE HAPPY CHURCH STAFF FRONT RESPONSIBLE DRINKING CAMPAIGN!

A new anti-drinking crusade led by THE HAPPY CHURCH has been a spectacular success. ‘Water into Wine‘ is the brain-child of the Social Action minister based on the account of Jesus turning water into wine. Being cessationists, THE HAPPY CHURCH are unable to miraculously change the physical properties of H20 so instead the campaign has seen members pouring water into bottles of alcohol in stores and pubs around Exeter.

Police have admitted that whilst incidents of drunkeness have dropped tenfold, there has been a 240% increase of hyper-hydration amongst participants in University initiation ceremonies.

Angry retaliations by local publicans have seen them entering THE HAPPY CHURCH baptismal pool en masse and turning water into urine.

THE HAPPY CHURCH MEN’S CHOIR PRODUCE NEW MUSIC VIDEO

After months of preparation and minutes of practice, THE HAPPY CHURCH Men’s Choir have filmed their debut cover of Stuart Townsend’s  ‘In Christ Alone‘ .

Although the project was the brainchild of the Worship Deacon,  he was engaged on the day;  playing with his organ* for the women attending THE HAPPY CHURCH Pure Course.

The Men’s Choir have been booked for several bar mitzvahs and are looking into collaborative work with Jay-Z.

*Unhelpful.

COMMUNION WAFER SCANDAL pt.1

The very foundations of THE HAPPY CHURCH were rocked last night when it was discovered that the communion wafers used at the 6PM Evening Service were in fact Ecstasy tablets.

Although noone was harmed in the incident, congregants described a “light-headedness” and “lack of vision” that is usually associated with charismatic churches. Although some spectators from nearby churches were quick to describe it as “baptism of the Spirit”, the Counter-Heresy Minister soon realised otherwise:

“Whilst I have no problems at all with speaking in tongues, the Bible doesn’t teach us to expect foaming at the mouth and increased heart-rate as well”

Police have been unable track down the culprit. On a completely unrelated note, THE HAPPY CHURCH  sound engineer, Chris Tilt, was heard saying, “I don’t like grasses” before going off to meet someone called ‘Charlie’.

CEREMONIAL CLEANSING COCK-UP*

Disaster struck during the St Leonard’s STUDENT GETAWAY 2010 when the HEAD DEACON became embroiled in a PR scandal after the impromptu ‘baptism’ of a young, female Fresher.

The incident – now known as ‘WATERgate’ – occurred during lunchtime on the final day of the retreat, sometime between Jonny Armstrong adding sugar to the Head Deacon’s food and the Head Deacon adding armpit salts to Jonny Armstrong’s cutlery. During this [Holy] spirited exchange, a jug of water was poured over Helena Shand who had been recently converted to Armstrong’s heretical cult of personality.

One onlooker, the Reverend Steve Goodbody, said:

“I’m not angry, I’m just disappointed. Actually, I am a little bit angry“

Fortunately, the Hill House Retreat site manager Duncan was on hand to provide the necessary medical attention needed with his customary efficiency and inaudible voice.

As well as making a mockery of the Old Testament, the ceremonial cleansing of Helena Shand has also led to water shortages in some parts of Devon.

*Unhelpful.

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

“I thought you might like to know that at the first ever London wide Uni Mission at All Souls, my choice of Wiley’s ‘Take That’ to play out during pre-talk chill time warranted an official complaint from UCCF staff”

Tom “Big Tommy P” Pountain – THE HAPPY CHURCH congregant.

Prayer Points for the week:

-         That Jonny Armstrong would grow up (mentally)

-         That Helena Shand would grow up (physically)

-         That as the Exeter University CU prepare for their week long mission ALIVE, THE HAPPY CHURCH will fully support them with prayer and service.

-         For the Head Deacon’s testimony next week in which – subject to cuts by Helen Easton – he will be explaining how sperm-banking strengthened his relationship with Christ.

NEWS TIDBITS FROM THE HAPPY CHURCH

CRISIS AT THE HAPPY CHURCH

The very foundations of THE HAPPY CHURCH were rocked last night when it was discovered that plans were underway to introduce a projector to the Sunday services.

Traditionalists at THE HAPPY CHURCH were outraged. Whilst one congregant admitted he didn’t mind the

introduction of projectors, he did worry about whether the projector might open the door to other unscriptural excesses such as “mixed-gender Bible groups” and “homosexual communion wafers”.

Another congregant wittily opined, “Did Simon-Peter use a projector?”, to which – after several parish meetings and calls to UCCF, the Rector was able to authoritatively answer:

“No”.

After a series of crises talks, with some members of THE HAPPY CHURCH threatening to walk-out, a compromise has been met. The projector can stay, but all projected text will be in Latin. Or wingdings.

HEAVY SNOW IN EXETER

After five days of scouring the BBC weather page and the Bible, THE HAPPY CHURCH leadership was finally able to put out an official statement regarding the recent spate of adverse weather conditions:

“Wrap up warmly before you leave the house”

As well as this, THE HAPPY CHURCH is advising members to take care and to take sensible precautions when playing outside:

“Whilst Jesus walked on water, there is no official scriptural teaching regarding ungritted pavement”

DENZEL WASHINGTON EXPLORED

On Thursday 21^st January, THE HAPPY CHURCH will be putting on a one-hour evening talk in the vestibule entitled, “Denzel Washington – Man or Myth?”. This will be the first of a seventeen part series on the esteemed African-American actor held at the church.

The format of each evening will begin with a 10 minute film clip of one of Denzel’s movies before 30 minutes of discussion afterwards. The evening will finish with a short testimony given by a follower of Denzel Washington.

Other questions that we will be looking at over the series include:

“Is Denzel Washington the only way?”

“Is ‘Training Day’ inerrant?”

“Why trust Denzel Washington?”

“If there really is a God, then why hasn’t Denzel won more Oscars?”

“Is there any archaeological evidence for the existence of Denzel Washington?”

The Head Deacon will also be giving his testimony about how he came to have an existentially-satisfying relationship with Denzel Washington.

THIS WEEK’S PRAYER POINTS

-         The Rector as he travels back safely from Afghanistan

-         For Chris Tilt: That the police will drop the charges. Again.

-         For Jonny Rose: That he is able to trim down his speech on why he loves Denzel Washington so much to a mere  20 minutes

-         That whichever joker left the ESV Bible in The Counter-Heresy Minister’s office would own up and apologise

-         Increased female church membership…

-         …that they would be single as well