Thehappychurch's Blog

The Vatican has recently confirmed that the Pontiff, Pope Benedict XVI (formerly known as Cardinal Adolf Von Ratzinger) will be conducting the first official visit to the UK by a Pope for many years, beginning on September 16th for 3 days. Whilst the Vatican has been keen to stress to the national press that the purpose of his visit is to tour the country and see the many Catholics living in the UK, THE HAPPY CHURCH, never one to bend the truth, is pleased to announce the real reason behind Pope Benny’s (to his mates) visit to the UK.

SECRET TALKS

Due to ongoing criticism of the Catholic church, the Vatican has become desperate to regain popularity with the general public. THE HAPPY CHURCH is now able to announce that it has been contacted by the Vatican, and that for 2 of the 3 days that the Pope will be in the UK, he shall be attending meetings with THE HAPPY CHURCH staff in order to learn how to keep his own church a safer, family-friendly place.

One of the flock of specially trained 'Assault Doves' unleashed on the previous Pope by the Counter-Heresy Division.

PAST DIFFERENCES

Of course there are many differences between the Catholic Church and THE HAPPY CHURCH, with the Vatican tending to put an emphasis on Mary, Papal infallibility, and swinging balls of incense about. However THE HAPPY CHURCH – as an Anglican conservative liberal evangelical neo-Girls Aloud cessationist orthodox Church – places its emphasis on Jesus Christ, The need for the forgiveness of sins, and merking to our duppy-man sound system in the church hall.

Whilst this would obviously appear at first glance to be a major stumbling block between inter-church co-operation…..it is. In the past, THE HAPPY CHURCH Counter-Heresy Division has been forced to conduct numerous operations against the Vatican, at one point even unleashing a specially trained squadron of Assault Doves (512 Assault Dove Squadron, motto: “A bird crapping on you isn’t lucky if there are over 100 of us”) to disrupt one of the previous Pontiff’s speeches to prevent further heresies from being spread.

RECONCILED IN CHRIST

The Pope talks with THE HAPPY CHURCH Rector

But despite these initial differences in doctrine (and in places gospel), our Rector, Rev. David Beadle travelled to the Vatican, along with other THE HAPPY CHURCH staff, on the way back from one of his recent visits to Kabul,  to respond to a desperate request from the Vatican to reconcile our differences.

This first meeting didn’t go entirely to plan, as the Vatican requested that THE HAPPY CHURCH staff attend a confession prior to meeting the pontiff. The staff reluctantly agreed, but the Vatican were forced to abandon this plan after the initial confessional with THE HAPPY CHURCH sound engineer and self-employed ‘international pharmaceutical distributor’ Chris ‘Tiltmode’ Tilt took over 7 hours.   The Head Deacon then exceeded this record in what was a very, very long day.

The meeting proved useful, but eventually had to be called to a halt after it came to light that someone had replaced the incense with a sweet-smelling herb that gave all the attending cardinals the munchies, as well as the fact that after just minutes together, Pope Benedict and the Curate had coined the campaign slogan of

EIN VOLK! EIN REICH! ZWEI WAYS TO LIVE!

Ultimately however, THE HAPPY CHURCH contingent agreed to offer the Vatican its support providing that the Vatican make some reforms such as starting to preach the gospel more frequently, to conduct a review of its theology of Mary, to include the singing of ‘In Christ Alone’ at mass and to allow THE HAPPY CHURCH to install a HAPPY DIPLOMAT in a HAPPY EMBASSY within Vatican city to ensure that these terms are met.  Potential candidates include the Curate and that epitome of masculinity; high pitched evangelist Mark Driscoll.

As a result of this initial meeting, THE HAPPY CHURCH invited the Pope to the UK for the main discussions to begin on September 16th and we hope that you shall join us in extending a warm welcome to our brother in Christ as he comes to learn how to clean house.