Thehappychurch's Blog

With the General Election soon upon us in Britain and  cynicism with traditional modes of government at an all time high, there has never been a better time for a theocracy.

Fearing that Christians have been marginalised in mainstream politics or are unwilling to commit to any of the main three parties, THE HAPPY CHURCH is seductively waddling into the political arena to bridge the gap between democracy and deity.

Trying to attract the Gay vote...

The eligible Anglican showerman Vaughan Roberts shows his support...

The official campaign slogan is ‘HEALTH, WEALTH and STEALTH (tax)’ and here is a selection of our sound, Biblical policies:

-        TOUGH ON CRIME…

“Peter said, “You have not lied to men but to God”. When Ananias heard this, he fell down and died” (Acts 5:5)

-        ...TOUGH ON THE CAUSES OF CRIME

“If your hand causes you to sin, cut it off” (Mark 10:43)

-        FAIR TRADE NOT FREE TRADE

“The King wants no other price for the bride than a hundred Philistine foreskins” (1 Samuel 18:25)

-        HIGH TAXATION FOR THE TOP 5% EARNERS

2005's Big Issue: Iraq developing WMDs 2010's Big Issue: Iran developing Voldermort

“Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor” (Mark 10:21)

-        THE NHS IS SAFE IN OUR HANDS

“It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick” (Matthew 9:12)

-        WE WILL MAKE SURE OUR SOLDIERS IN IRAQ ARE PROPERLY EQUIPPED WITH HI-TECH WEAPONRY

“Dividing the three hundred men into three companies, he placed trumpets and empty jars in the hands of all of them” (Judges 7:8)

-        …AND REPLACE TRIDENT WITH A CHEAPER ANTI-NUCLEAR DETERRENT

“Finding a fresh jaw-bone of a donkey, he grabbed it and struck down a thousand men” (Judges 15:15)

These are just a small selection of our policies*.  More to follow next week.

The Rector can be seen in the final Leaders debate (chaired by Pontius Paxman) this Thursday at 10PM, BBC2 .

*NB: In the event we take government, our policies are subject to change or, indeed, complete omission)