Thehappychurch's Blog

With the General Election soon upon us in Britain and  cynicism with traditional modes of government at an all time high, there has never been a better time for a theocracy.

Fearing that Christians have been marginalised in mainstream politics or are unwilling to commit to any of the main three parties, THE HAPPY CHURCH is seductively waddling into the political arena to bridge the gap between democracy and deity.

The official campaign slogan is ‘HEALTH, WEALTH and STEALTH (tax)’ and here is a selection of our sound, Biblical policies:

-        TOUGH ON CRIME…

“Peter said, “You have not lied to men but to God”. When Ananias heard this, he fell down and died” (Acts 5:5)

-        ...TOUGH ON THE CAUSES OF CRIME

“If your hand causes you to sin, cut it off” (Mark 10:43)

-        FAIR TRADE NOT FREE TRADE

“The King wants no other price for the bride than a hundred Philistine foreskins” (1 Samuel 18:25)

-        HIGH TAXATION FOR THE TOP 5% EARNERS

“Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor” (Mark 10:21)

-        THE NHS IS SAFE IN OUR HANDS

“It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick” (Matthew 9:12)

-        WE WILL MAKE SURE OUR SOLDIERS IN IRAQ ARE PROPERLY EQUIPPED WITH HI-TECH WEAPONRY

“Dividing the three hundred men into three companies, he placed trumpets and empty jars in the hands of all of them” (Judges 7:8)

-        …AND REPLACE TRIDENT WITH A CHEAPER ANTI-NUCLEAR DETERRENT

“Finding a fresh jaw-bone of a donkey, he grabbed it and struck down a thousand men” (Judges 15:15)

These are just a small selection of our policies*.  More to follow next week.

The Rector can be seen in the final Leaders debate (chaired by Pontius Paxman) this Thursday at 10PM, BBC2 .

*NB: In the event we take government, our policies are subject to change or, indeed, complete omission)

At THE HAPPY CHURCH, we feel that it is important to highlight the less-trumpeted ministries that go on in the church and behind-the-scenes. Jesus described his followers as “the light of the world” (Matt. 4:14), and reminded us that people “do not light a lamp and put it under a bowl” (Matt. 5:15). The LOOKING AT series will make sure none of our staff are under bowls.

Today we will be looking at THE ELDERLY

“Blessed are the pacemakers…”

Like many Anglican churches, THE HAPPY CHURCH almost entirely comprises of pensioners. As the congregants most likely to see Jesus first, care and provision for the elderly is one of highest priorities of THE HAPPY CHURCH (preceded only by preaching the Gospel and our ‘Clogs For Dogs’ initiative)

Whilst expenditure cutbacks have meant the prioritising of after-service biscuits over wheelchair access, central heating and Bibles for the visually-impaired, THE HAPPY CHURCH continues to deliver quality service and provision for our over-65s.

Many of the elderly in British society are marginalised, shunned and incinerated for their gold fillings. Not so at THE HAPPY CHURCH. We strongly believe that the elderly should continue to contribute for the good of the church and refuse to accept arthritis as an excuse not to scale the building and change the asbestos lining on the roof. We also encourage values such as independence – for example: every Winter we biblically abandon our elderly in the wilderness for forty days and forty nights – and thrift (by making them tithe daily).

THE HAPPY CHURCH’s elderly are not just confined to the church but are also hugely active in the local community. Our elderly frequently participate in neighbourhood watch schemes (affectionately known by the elderly as ‘Black Watch’) and accompany CSOs on the beat. Whilst they cannot be expected to chase after hardened criminals, THE HAPPY CHURCH elderly continue to dish out uncompromising Levitical moral laws to any hooded-thugs eating shellfish (Lev 11.10).

The long-running Methuselah Project is a church-community scheme that organizes appropriate age-based activities for our elderly including sky-diving, mixed-gender prophesying and competitive Apocrypha tossing. The Spirit of Caleb Foundation is another project that conscripts octogenarian congregants to serve in the war effort in places such as Iraq and Afghanistan.

Another function of our elderly is as replacement gargoyles to keep away burglars and Scientologists. One congregant Agatha, 72,  has been a gargoyle on the upper east spire of THE HAPPY CHURCH for over seven months, and descends only to collect her pension or for  a repeat prescription of Seven Seas.

THE HAPPY CHURCH has an active care-in-the-community scheme which entails door-to-door visits to the elderly carried out by our Social Action Minister and our Minister for Counter-Heresy. The visits can either be pastoral or disciplinary (depending on if Rob Bell literature is found in the home).

To volunteer to be an elderly person at THE HAPPY CHURCH, you will need to sign our Doctrinal Basis and then sign over the most valuable contents of your will to c/o THE HAPPY CHURCH. This covers the cost of:

-         Bose 5000 sub-woofers to amplify sermons from Romans for the hearing-impaired

-         Gluten-free communion wafers for those with I.B.S or false teeth

-         Cleaning walking-stick marks in the church hall

-          Legal-fees in case of court action due to old-school casual racism

NB: None of THE HAPPY CHURCH staff are qualified to perform Last Rites, but we are happy to discuss funeral arrangements. Pyrotechnics can be arranged at competitive rates.