Thehappychurch's Blog

Luke Denby-Hollis, called to be a disciple of Christ Jesus, by the will of God, through being sent up to the highlands of Sheffield and South Yorkshire some months ago:

Brothers and Sisters,

We are  writing to you to encourage with you with the news of THE HAPPY CHURCH (Sheffield) plant, that by the Grace of God and the considerable financial backing of THE HAPPY CHURCH (Exeter), has now firmly taken root here in Yorkshire.

As our mission field spreads, we have focused our teaching upon the areas of the Peak District and The Works Indoor Bouldering Centre, where we faithfully continue to preach the gospel to all those that will listen, as often as frequent snow falls and monetary lapses allow us. Many have come to join us, and our brother Andy, who although he has not yet met you, struggles both in prayer for you daily, and with his frequent bouts of polio.

Our brother Gregg, a recent graduate of our ‘Romans Explored’ Course, has also begun a new cruising ministry, whereby he drives along the Eccelsal Road, following the ‘rude boi’ worshipers of dubstep and their false idols of modified Ford Fiestas, playing out ‘Barwick Green’ by Arthur Wood (otherwise known as The Archers theme tune) in order to drown out their music and initiate conversation as they seek to challenge him on his musical appendages.

We did recently have to admonish our brother Chris however, as he preached Hosea 4 v5b to those with whom he had quarrelled. However, if he should visit you in forthcoming months, please welcome him as a faithful servant, for he usually is, if you can support him in his overcoming of his Genesis 9:21 moments.

The THE HAPPY CHURCH here in Yorkshire sends you greetings. Greet J’Ro, Gouldy, Larkin and Smorris warmly and with a holy kiss; Drew, who is one of us, greets you. We are sending Luke to you shortly, to keep you in the knowledge of the way, and to teach you of the abseiling techniques required for the deployment of the evangelistic banner to the underside of the road bridge, and we shall continue to do so until his Young Persons Rail Card expires.

Grace be with you.

Brother Luke uses his faith (and considerable upper-body strength) to move mountains...

The latest update from our mission partner in Japan:

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After the conversion of Godzilla in January, we have had a sudden increase in Church membership. Godzilla has a very unique method of evangelism: tearing down every building in Tokyo except for THE HAPPY SHRINE so nobody has anywhere else to go. If this is not how you are reaching out in your neighborhood, then we strongly encourage you to search inside yourself and rethink your methods.

Crowds of punters stream into THE HAPPY SHRINE

We are even drawing in great crowds of children now, most of them recovering Naruto fans seeking repentance for the Naruto fandom condemned in the last HAPPY SHRINE update. We are very pleased to see that, despite the Japanese tendency to be very defensive of their own customs, they are very keen to worship as THE HAPPY CHURCH do back in the United Kingdom. This pleases us because the HAPPY CHURCH Worship Leader will not be given the extra pressure of producing J-Pop renditions of all his greatest hits.* We have begun a series of lessons aimed at Japanese children intended to familiarise them with the great psalmists: Graham Kendrick, Chris Tomlin, and 29th Chapter.

* We may force him to anyway, because J-pop is awesome.

Teaching Japan's younger generation about Graham Kendrick

Great advantage of Japan’s technological craftmanship is being taken in THE HAPPY SHRINE. Firstly, where THE HAPPY CHURCH has Luke Denby-Hollis as its counter-heresy minister, we have employed the KABUTOM RX-03 to ‘process’ heretics in the orient. The KABUTOM RX-03 was kindly donated by it’s creator: the uncle of one of my own English students. For those interested in the technical aspects of the The KABUTOM RX-03, it is fitted with an 3L5ON-X1000 brand herecy alarm and detects leaks in doctrinal soundness (99.43% true positive rate) using advanced pattern recognition algorithms to match statements picked up through its audio receptors to an on-board Dan Brown novel. Among other achievements, The KABUTOM RX-03 was quick to notice that upon making weekly donations in the offering, congregation members are aware of how much they donate, contradicting the Biblical command that the left hand must not be allowed to witness what the right hand is doing (Matt. 6:3). In light of this, experts at Yamada electronics have developed a donation-randomisation machine. The machine provides a button, which when pressed with the right hand, transfers a random sum of money from one’s bank account into the church’s funds.

That’s all for now, though before I go, I would like to ask all THE HAPPY SHRINE congregation members to respect the sacred spring, and not throw coins into it. The sacred spring is reserved as the personal water closet for members of THE HAPPY CHURCH’s higher order when they visit for inspection, and its misuse will not be tolerated. The Head Deacon has already complained that the placement of the sign discouraging the spring’s misuse makes squatting rather awkward.

- Joee Townsend

ASK THE BISHOP (formerly ‘Bash the Bishop’) is a forum for THE HAPPY CHURCH members who are unclear about various issues be they doctrinal, practical or bestial. Your anonymity is assured.

The Bishop shows us the size of his concordance...

1. Dear Bishop, I only have a small Gideon’s New Testament. Other boys my age have large bibles with a well-developed concordance. Does size matter?

There are two issues here. The first is that you have a small Gideons NT and are worried about the other boys having large bibles with well developed concordances. Do not worry about this. Even the Bishop once had a Gideons NT, but as one matures and develops one finds one growing and eventually owning the ESV Study Bible with concordance, study notes and articles on various themes.  Do not worry: your time will come. Size does not matter, it’s how you use it.

The second worries me, however. You only have half a Bible! As such, your growth is stunted and you’re not developing as you should be.  The Old Testament is equally as important as the New Testament because these were the scriptures Jesus read and prayed from, the OT prophesied and were fulfilled in the coming of Jesus and most importantly, it contains THE HAPPY CHURCH’s Sunday School text, the Song of Songs.  You need the full package in order to grow. I suggest you watch the video below to see the manifold benefits of having a big one:

2.  Dear Bishop, who would win in a fight between Moses and Jesus?

Jesus would kick Moses' butt

A hypothetical question, as these two would not fight. But if they did, clearly Jesus would win for the following reason:

1. Moses killed someone and then ran away (Ex. 2:11-15); Jesus put a man’s ear (Malchius) back on when a disciple (Peter) chopped his ear off (Luke 22:5051; John 18:10-11) . That’s fortitude.

2. Moses = a Servant. Jesus = a Son

3. Moses = faithful in God’s house. Jesus = faithful over God’s house. (Heb. 3:1-6 for both points 2&3)

4. Moses = almost got killed by God (Ex. 4:24-26); Jesus voluntarily went to die on a cross.

5. Moses killed one man for bullying a fellow Israelite (Ex. 2:12); Jesus laid the smackdown on the devil when he died on the cross (Heb. 2:14; 1 John 3:8).

6. In a fight, Jesus can call on a legion of angels (Mt. 26:33). You don’t mess with a legion of angels or the Son of God.

So continue to man up, and be on the side of Jesus – we all want to win…

3. Dear Bishop, I have constipation. Are there any passages in the Bible that would give me a bit of relief?

Unproductive

Fear not, dear brother – there are many passages in the Bible which, may not bring relief but, certainly bring comfort.

For there were 7 constipated men in the Bible:

The first constipated man was Cain, he wasn’t Abel.
The second constipated man was Moses, he took the tablets.
The third constipated man was Balaam, he couldn’t shift his ass.
The fourth constipated man was Samson, he brought the house down.
The fifth constipated man was Solomon, he sat for 40 years.
The sixth constipated man was Peter, he was like a rock.
The seventh constipated man was Titus, his name speaks for itself.

May this bring you comfort, encouragement, stimulation, and above all else, relief!

Blessings to you all,
The Bishop!

ACTS 5:38 -39 sums up THE HAPPY CHURCH’s story better than we ever could. When we started out as a sleep-deprived band of evangelicals on a cold New Years day in Westherspoon’s, who knew our church would end up hyper-linked on a rarely-visited political website or be described by ex-Exeter UCCF acolyte Alex Banfield-Hicks as “Hysterical”.

They said it couldn’t be done.

To celebrate this milestone, THE HAPPY CHURCH will be having a night of top-quality preaching and entertainment, as well as a presentation of our vision for the future.

Unfortunately whilst we did request reasonable, incisive and articulate speakers  such as N.T. Wright, David Pawson, Charles Spurgeon, John Stott, Wayne Grudem, Terry Virgo, J.I. Packer, Peter Masters, Steve Goodbody etc., they were otherwise engaged or deceased.

Instead, we will be addressed by the following:

The first speaker of the night will be German toilet vigilante Pastor Steven L. Anderson who will be speaking from 2 Kings 9:8

The second speaker of the night will be John Piper who will be effortlessly marrying RnB and the reformed doctrine of ‘Total Depravity’:

There will be an interlude of light entertainment from Benny Hinn, whose heretical act incorporates Paul Daniels-esque Saturday night vaudeville with the aberrant theology of Simon the Sorcerer. He will then preach (ironically) on Matt. 24:24.

The evening will end with liberal feminist’s favourite Mark Driscoll who will be faithfully teaching us about the beauty of the Gospel and salvation through Christ. He’ll also be telling us why we shouldn’t play with ourselves.

N.B.: Marks tends to speak quietly so those with hearing aids will have to set their loop to ‘T’.

Tickets £2.99