THE HAPPY CHURCH proudly launches new ‘Anti-Extremism’ Campaign

ALLOW Al-Qaeda

With the onset of Islamic extremism and terrorist atrocities both around the world and here in the UK, THE HAPPY CHURCH has been greatly concerned about radicalisation of innocent men and women, as well as the impact on local communities.

In order to address these issues, THE HAPPY CHURCH has put together a new campaign to try and mobilise the Church family to take action to prevent the spread of Islamic extremism, and is therefore proud to announce its Adopt a Taliban programme.

Our Rector, Rev. David Beadle, has spent the past 2 months working covertly in the tribal areas of Afghanistan, meeting up with local Taliban chiefs and village elders in order to understand why they are so livid.

The Rector on a camel as he travels through the Tora Bora mountains on the way to meet local elders.

After having completed a number of meetings over tea and crumpets with local Warlords and Taliban leadership, the Rector was able to ascertain that the anger that flowed from these people, ultimately stemmed from a deeply engrained lividity about their clothes and local fashion:

“All I ever wanted was to own a pair of Marks and Spencers 100% Cotton Beige Chino’s” said Mr Al-Ali-Mohammed Olibayee, a local Warlord, “But all we have out here is an apparently endless supply of pyjamas and old tea cosies to use as hats!”.

As the Rector continued his journey, he discovered that the deeper into the tribal heartlands that he penetrated, the more this sentiment rang true. A Mr Ozzy Bin Liner, took the Rector on a tour of his walk-in wardrobe that had recently been hollowed out of his cave by an American 500Ib bomb.

“Just look at all these threads! They are just soooooo 15th century!” Mr Bin Liner reported. “It was only after I by chance found a copy of Vogue that I realised that the West had had sequined tops and padded shoulders all these years and hadn’t even tried to share them with us, so I left my family and started the Jihad”.

Having made this shocking discovery, the Rector informed THE HAPPY CHURCH leadership and the Adopt a Taliban campaign was formed. From only £5 a month, you can adopt a Taliban member and kit them up with the latest fashions, purchased from charity shops, to slowly replace their old wardrobes and in doing so, ease their anger at the West. You can also provide us with any old clothes and cast offs (none older than 3 seasons, the Taliban are a picky bunch) and we can send those straight out to help end the War on Terror!

In fact, this campaign has already been so successful in its early stages that we were able to get Trinny and Susannah to spend a week in Garmsir advising the local Taliban on What Not To Wear, as well as giving advice on how to use eyeliner properly and some basic beard maintainance skills. If the campaign continues at the rate it has begun, there are also plans in the pipeline to send Gok Wan to Lashkar Gar to show the Warlords there How To Look Good Naked, something that we feel will help them to overcome some of their insecurities about the post-Eid weight gain.

Obviously, this is also a great chance for evangelism too. At weekly HAPPY SHURAS, held all over Afghanistan, a THE HAPPY CHURCH member lengs down the assembled Taliban warlords with the Gospel, before distributing the nearly-new clothes and castoffs to an often over-excited crowd that can only be kept calm by using the threat of a spell on the naughty step or visit from an RAF ground attack aircraft.

The Rector preaches the Gospel in one of the highly succesful 'HAPPY SHURAS' prior to distributing 30 pairs of leggings.

So please, support THE HAPPY CHURCH and its overseas Mission and Adopt a Taliban today!

Like this:

Be the first to like this post.

Written by thehappychurch

January 9, 2010 at 4:26 pm

Posted in NEWS

8 Responses

Subscribe to comments with RSS.

The most hilarious THE HAPPY CHURCH post to date. But was your space bar broken when you were typing it?

Joel Cross

January 9, 2010 at 10:22 pm

Reply
Err…. isn’t this just slightly politically incorrect?!!!

Holly West

January 11, 2010 at 1:29 pm

Reply
THE HAPPY CHURCH’s ability to strip all dignity from other cultures is quite unprecedented.
I am appalled.

Shell Zappa

January 11, 2010 at 1:30 pm

Reply
I love it. You guys should definitely get this out as much as possible, such fun! This bit was so good HIGNFY would be proud:
“Just look at all these threads! They are just soooooo 15th century!” Mr Bin Liner reported. “It was only after I by chance found a copy of Vogue that I realised that the West had had sequined tops and padded shoulders all these years and hadn’t even tried to share them with us, so I left my family and started the Jihad”.

Adrian

January 11, 2010 at 1:31 pm

Reply
“beard maintenance skills” hahaha!

Chloe Hasler

January 11, 2010 at 1:31 pm

Reply
[...] - The Rector as he travels back safely from Afghanistan [...]

THE HAPPY CHURCH NEWSLETTER « Thehappychurch's Blog

January 12, 2010 at 11:54 am

Reply
[...] currently on oriental peregrinations . He has assured me, in no uncertain terms, that I was, in fact dealing with a municipal disagreement in a little-know place called Afghanistan. Mr. Tilt told me I had concluded that the problem of global terror is caused by Mr.Ozzy Bin [...]

RHETORIC FROM THE RECTOR « Thehappychurch's Blog

January 25, 2010 at 9:11 am

Reply
[...] with other THE HAPPY CHURCH staff, on the way back from one of his recent visits to Kabul, to respond to a desperate request from the Vatican to reconcile our differences. This first [...]

Pope accepts THE HAPPY CHURCH invite to visit UK « Thehappychurch's Blog

September 16, 2010 at 8:51 am

Reply

Thehappychurch's Blog