Thehappychurch's Blog

At THE HAPPY CHURCH, we feel that it is important to highlight the less-trumpeted ministries that go on in the church and behind-the-scenes. Jesus described his followers as “the light of the world” (Matt. 4:14), and reminded us that people “do not light a lamp and put it under a bowl” (Matt. 5:15). The LOOKING AT series will make sure none of our staff are under bowls.

Today we will be looking at our Street Pastorz…

The Rector in Street Pastorz apparel

“More Street, than Pastorz”

The Street Pastorz is an initiative that grew out of a deep love for our community and 50 Cent. Inspired by the Biblical imperative of Matthew 5:16 and having watched seasons 1-5 of The Wire, THE HAPPY CHURCH Street Pastorz Scheme was born.

The aim of Street Pastoring is fivefold:

Street Pastorz make the police's job just that little bit less stressful!

- To be a visible Christian presence on the streets on the hours when nightclubs clear-out

- Using the Christ-centred message of gangsta rap as a means of evangelism

- To provide support for Police and CSOs

- To make sure revellers get home safely

- To go onto the streets and witness to revellers about the Gospel of Jesus Christ

Ready to shank fools and save souls...

Street Pastor with decoy 'woman'.

In the Wesleyan tradition, we go out every Friday and Saturday night, dressed in bling and other assorted urban attire, in groups of four with one attractive woman allotted to each group. Whilst the men get on with the important job of labouring for the Gospel, the women are used either as bait or decoys. Jesus taught us to be fishers of men, and at THE HAPPY CHURCH we have found the most effective lure to be 36DDs.

Street Pastorz seek to engage with locals and through our Christ-centred witness, point them towards a life-changing, saving faith through knowing Jesus Christ. Once we have a captive audience, we frequently employ battle-freestyle techniques as exhibited by Eminem in ‘8 Mile’ to explain the Gospel message. If this doesn’t win the crowd over, we then try and explain the Gospel message with interpretive break-dancing which look EXACTLY like this.

Occasionally, Street Pastorz face objections to the Christian message. This can be anything from people politely declining, to more extreme cases where they insult our mums (The latter event saw the Head Deacon’s mother coming to Exeter to comfort her beloved son and instigate what is only spoken of in hushed-tones as ‘Black Death Saturday’). In the rare event that things turn physical, months spent watching Songs of Praise means we are more than capable of dishing-out tough “street justice”.

To volunteer to be a Street Pastor, you will need to agree to our Doctrinal Basis and then pay £30. This covers the cost of training which includes:

-         Battle freestyle lessons

-         A Street Pastorz hoodie

-         Standard issue bling; A doctrinally-sound chain with Reformed Lutheran cross emblem

-         Jay-Z’s ‘The Blueprint’ album and John Stott’s ‘The Cross of Christ’

If you are interested please contact THE HAPPY CHURCH here.

The Bishop drags a reprobate through the streets.

Street justice - Anglican style.

A space dedicated to the circumnabulatory thoughts and cognitive miscarriages of THE HAPPY CHURCH Rector.

The Rector during mating season (al fresco)

My dear congregants, my holy children,

I am sorry it has been so long since I have written an address to you or, indeed, set foot in THE HAPPY CHURCH, of which I am Rector. However, as those of you who do not immediately fall asleep the moment the Priest is about to enter for Sunday Communion(s) will have noticed, I have been away.

Fr. Charles "Kennedy" Boozer (Formerly of the Church of Liberal Democrats)

I was under the impression that I had accurate (albeit vague) memories of the past two months. I have a picture in mind of myself and Fr. Charlie Boozer (he of the nearby

The PA to the Head Deacon's debut novel (£9.99 RRP)

Functional Cessationist Liberal High Anglican New and Reformed Rechabite Church of St. Jonny of Vegas) slumped in the vestry of the church aforesaid, of which he is vicar, in front of several crates of communion wine. The picture becomes somewhat more hazy after this. But I had thought we had been treated at this time to many visits by the ladies of the large, cutting-edge, female-voice choir of St. Jonny’s, which Fr. Charlie formed himself, known as ‘Charlie’s Angels’. I tend to suppress memories of what I thought had happened next, but I can’t help picturing Fr. Charlie wearing his new sets of vestments (trying on a set for every liturgical season) and asking the ladies for their expert opinions as to how well they fitted. In the meantime – so I had thought – he was regaling these heavenly beings with lines from the latest book written by our PA to the Head Deacon, Mr. Chang Chang Lu, Christian That’s what She Said Jokes.

Police brutality.

Let me assure you, though, that the matter has been cleared up by my Press Officer, Mr. Chris Tilt, standing in for Mr. Joeee Townsend currently on oriental peregrinations . He has assured me, in no uncertain terms, that I was, in fact dealing with a municipal disagreement in a little-know place called Afghanistan. Mr. Tilt told me I had concluded that the problem of global terror is caused by Mr.Ozzy Bin Liner’s inadequacy issues concerning the old-fashioned state of his clothing. Please refrain from asking me any further questions concerning this episode in the immediate future, because Mr. Tilt is currently detained by police officers who, as we have come to expect in our morally bankrupt society, have been subjecting this respectable member of THE HAPPY CHURCH to some quite unpleasant and unnecessary questioning over several thousand pounds worth of illegal narcotics, which had inadvertently found their way into his hot water bottle and slippers. Now that we have such a successful charitable operation underway, it would be a shame if I said something silly which contradicted the Press Officer’s official line. Being a terrifically

Role model.

Old model.

contemporary sort of chap, I am delighted that we are following the excellent philanthropic example set by St. Heather of Mills, in recent years,when she asked for £50,000, for the purposes of charitable donations, to be included in her divorce settlement from the Apostle Paul of McCartney.

In any case, I am now wholly convinced that my amnesia and hallucinations were caused by the potency of Afghani green tree. Indeed, I discussed my theory with Fr. Charlie, when I caught him emerging from the St. Jonny of Vegas’ vestry with an empty wine cruet who he introduced as his new PA, the delightful Mrs. Cheryl Cole (Fr. Charlie chose her purely because she was the best candidate for the job). He informed me that he had no recollection of these events I described, before hurriedly performing the Heimlich manoeuvre on Mrs. Cole, who said she was choking on a stray communion wafer.

Finally, it has come to my attention that some of you were unhappy that I decided not to go to work on the day after I arrived home, on the grounds that it wasn’t a Sunday. I am and was aware that, as a result of my absence, there would be no Church leaders available to chair the discussion entitled, ‘Cessationism: Why it is a Jolly Good Thing’. I am therefore pleased to inform you that, throughout, this meeting was in fact lead by the Holy Spirit.

I hope some of you will also be aware that, the following day, I did return to work to test the quality of the Church’s new Jacuzzi.

The blessings of the Rector be with you all,
David Beadle

The Rector enjoying the Spirit(s) during a recent visit to St Jonny of Vegas Church

This week, the Bishop tackles the theological issue of… SIDEWAYS HUGS

Bishop’s Blog Star Date 20/01/10 – I have always sought to be “down with the kids” – metaphorically, not literally that is.  Paedophile free since 2010 after all!

The Bishop during a service on his recent covenental circumcision...

The Bishop finds the Curate's Nazi sympathies can be trying at times...

It is an exciting time for a young up-and-comer such as myself, who has had the role of Bishop thrust upon him in such a short period (as long as that’s the only thing being thrusted).  As such, I am aware of the many theological and pastoral issues I need to address, although race relations between the Curate and the entire Chinese population is an area I wish to avoid.

To what should I devote my attention in this first blog?  Green issues are near and dear to THE HAPPY CHURCH’s heart: we encourage our members to tithe as a good start, but I think that should be discussed later when we focus on health, wealth and stealth.  The issue of whether Papal authority is held in Rome with Pope Benedict XVI or Terry I in Brighton, leader of New Frontiers, a movement I enjoyed a happy association with?  No, none of these issues are as important as this new Christian practice known as the  ‘sideways hug’.

Sideways hugs are an invention for a guy and a girl to hug with minimum contact.  As we all know, hugging members of the opposite sex often leads to pregnancy. The idea of the sideways-hug is to promote abstinence and – in light of Matthew 5: 30 – to avoid castration. The beauty of the sideways-hug is that it can be done in a variety of ways; man-on-man, girl-on-girl, man-on-girl, Worship Leader-on-several girls and so forth. Recent events at THE HAPPY CHURCH sideways-hug training day have exposed one flaw regarding the sideways-hug; both parties must be standing during the embrace (The picture below was later used in a sexual harassment suit against THE HAPPY CHURCH legal advisor)

Sideways-hugs: All involved parties' heads should be aligned.

Sideways-hugs keep a fellow pure, but so does walking around in a bubble suit, never watching TV or walking into W.H. Smiths.  In vain, I have looked for scriptural support for this practice, and as yet requests to my old lecturers in Theology have proved to no avail.  Even though the Bible asks us to “hold fast to that which is good” (I Thess. 5:21), scholars are unclear whether this is an early church doctrine on sideways-hugs. In short, I cannot find scriptural backing for being dogmatic on this issue, but that’s never stopped THE HAPPY CHURCH before, so here’s to sideways hugs!

Bless you,

The Bishop!

The sideways-hug even works outside!

The Bishop prepares for a sideways-hug...

The Bishop sideways-hugs his way to a Peace Treaty with China...

“BRITAIN’S GOT TALENT, THE HAPPY CHURCH has got…er…Tom Richards”

On the 4th January auditions were held for a fourth bouzouki player in the church worship band.

The audition entrants came from far and wide. They ranged from the hirsute to the bare jokes, the under-age to the frankly libellous. Suprisingly, there were also several entries from overseas.

Below are the applicants who came third and second, as well as the winner.

3) Jill McCloghry – Hillsong Church, Australia

Worship Leader: Many people abruptly dismiss Hillsong as trashy and commercial, possessing only a single sound and chord sequence.  Others criticise the simple, feelings-based lyrics or the bleach blonde singers.  We thought Jill was brilliant up until the subsequent interview when it transpired that she didn’t know how to play “In Christ Alone.”

2) Breaker from B-Fam Crew

Worship Leader: Advertised as the most articulate Christian grime artist on the scene, Breaker displayed huge amounts of potential but as X-factor has shown, auditions can be uncomfortable.  Breaker seemed unable to produce his A-game in the auditions and therefore we questioned his capabilities in front of large audiences.  Having said that, his lyrical intricacy and affable manner stand him in good stead for the future.

Head Deacon: I found Breaker’s act to be exceedingly showerface. Not only did his bars exhibit a high degree of hype and “soundbwoy murderation”, Breaker also has a rich appreciation for the nuances of Arminianism. We will certainly be collaborating in the future.

Here is the winning entry!

1) Tom “Usher” Richards – St Leonard’s Church, Exeter

Wordship Leader: Without a doubt that was the biggest surprise I’ve had in years of worship leading.  When Tom plays a bazouki, it’s like Jedward never happened.  Tom told me his main influences are Afroman, Craig David and Slayer.  This shone through in his performance.  Smashing the Bazouki was a touch of class.

Head Deacon: If King David had even half the talent of Tom Richards, Psalms would now be a chart-topping album instead of the bit the Gideons tack onto their New Testaments to bulk them out.

TOM WILL BE PLAYING IN THE WORSHIP BAND FROM THIS SUNDAY – WE LOOK FORWARD TO SEEING YOU THERE!

Webmaster / Missionary Joee Townsend has safely landed in Japan, and wastes no time in church planting. He sent us the following mission report:

—

Greetings everybody. It’s nice to be out here in Ibaraki, Japan. As I passed through Tokyo to get here, I made sure to set up the first THE HAPPY CHURCH church plant there. Friends, I would like to present to you, THE HAPPY SHRINE.

THE HAPPY SHRINE main building

Following THE HAPPY CHURCH’s policy on building ownership, THE HAPPY SHRINE has built its own meeting place in Ueno Park, Tokyo, and a concourse. After services, congregation members are encouraged to proceed into the concourse for green tea and biscuits.

THE HAPPY SHRINE is a small congregation, but with a big vision. We hope for more members soon, and for an end to theft of lead from the shrine roof.

I apologise that I cannot tell you much more, but I am extremely busy out here in Japan on my next mision project: Building a new HAPPY SHRINE on Mount Fuji, and then using faith as small as a mustard seed to move this mountain to a more central location, more accessible to the average Japanese family.

THE HAPPY SHRINE, under construction.

THE HAPPY SHRINE concourse.

NEWS TIDBITS FROM THE HAPPY CHURCH

CRISIS AT THE HAPPY CHURCH

The very foundations of THE HAPPY CHURCH were rocked last night when it was discovered that plans were underway to introduce a projector to the Sunday services.

Traditionalists at THE HAPPY CHURCH were outraged. Whilst one congregant admitted he didn’t mind the

From projectors to homosexual communion wafers...

introduction of projectors, he did worry about whether the projector might open the door to other unscriptural excesses such as “mixed-gender Bible groups” and “homosexual communion wafers”.

Another congregant wittily opined, “Did Simon-Peter use a projector?”, to which – after several parish meetings and calls to UCCF, the Rector was able to authoritatively answer:

“No”.

After a series of crises talks, with some members of THE HAPPY CHURCH threatening to walk-out, a compromise has been met. The projector can stay, but all projected text will be in Latin. Or wingdings.

HEAVY SNOW IN EXETER

Snow angels. Biblical?

After five days of scouring the BBC weather page and the Bible, THE HAPPY CHURCH leadership was finally able to put out an official statement regarding the recent spate of adverse weather conditions:

“Wrap up warmly before you leave the house”

As well as this, THE HAPPY CHURCH is advising members to take care and to take sensible precautions when playing outside:

“Whilst Jesus walked on water, there is no official scriptural teaching regarding ungritted pavement”

DENZEL WASHINGTON EXPLORED

On Thursday 21^st January, THE HAPPY CHURCH will be putting on a one-hour evening talk in the vestibule entitled, “Denzel Washington – Man or Myth?”. This will be the first of a seventeen part series on the esteemed African-American actor held at the church.

LUSH

The format of each evening will begin with a 10 minute film clip of one of Denzel’s movies before 30 minutes of discussion afterwards. The evening will finish with a short testimony given by a follower of Denzel Washington.

Other questions that we will be looking at over the series include:

“Is Denzel Washington the only way?”

“Is ‘Training Day’ inerrant?”

“Why trust Denzel Washington?”

“If there really is a God, then why hasn’t Denzel won more Oscars?”

“Is there any archaeological evidence for the existence of Denzel Washington?”

The Head Deacon will also be giving his testimony about how he came to have an existentially-satisfying relationship with Denzel Washington.

THIS WEEK’S PRAYER POINTS

-         The Rector as he travels back safely from Afghanistan

-         For Chris Tilt: That the police will drop the charges. Again.

-         For Jonny Rose: That he is able to trim down his speech on why he loves Denzel Washington so much to a mere  20 minutes

-         That whichever joker left the ESV Bible in The Counter-Heresy Minister’s office would own up and apologise

-         Increased female church membership…

-         …that they would be single as well

Please pray for more ladies. "The prayer of a righteous man availeth much" - James 5:16

ALLOW Al-Qaeda

With the onset of Islamic extremism and terrorist atrocities both around the world and here in the UK, THE HAPPY CHURCH has been greatly concerned about radicalisation of innocent men and women, as well as the impact on local communities.

In order to address these issues, THE HAPPY CHURCH has put together a new campaign to try and mobilise the Church family to take action to prevent the spread of Islamic extremism, and is therefore proud to announce its Adopt a Taliban programme.

Our Rector, Rev. David Beadle, has spent the past 2 months working covertly in the tribal areas of Afghanistan, meeting up with local Taliban chiefs and village elders in order to understand why they are so livid.

The Rector on a camel as he travels through the Tora Bora mountains on the way to meet local elders.

After having completed a number of meetings over tea and crumpets with local Warlords and Taliban leadership, the Rector was able to ascertain that the anger that flowed from these people, ultimately stemmed from a deeply engrained lividity about their clothes and local fashion:

“All I ever wanted was to own a pair of Marks and Spencers 100% Cotton Beige Chino’s” said Mr Al-Ali-Mohammed Olibayee, a local Warlord, “But all we have out here is an apparently endless supply of pyjamas and old tea cosies to use as hats!”.

As the Rector continued his journey, he discovered that the deeper into the tribal heartlands that he penetrated, the more this sentiment rang true. A Mr Ozzy Bin Liner, took the Rector on a tour of his walk-in wardrobe that had recently been hollowed out of his cave by an American 500Ib bomb.

“Just look at all these threads! They are just soooooo 15th century!” Mr Bin Liner reported. “It was only after I by chance found a copy of Vogue that I realised that the West had had sequined tops and padded shoulders all these years and hadn’t even tried to share them with us, so I left my family and started the Jihad”.

New THE HAPPY CHURCH premises unveiled!
Today, staff from THE HAPPY CHURCH were present at the opening of their new premises on Edgerton Park Road as they unveiled the newly redeveloped facilities.
The Head Deacon had been quick to point out in the past, that a Church is not really a Church until it has its own building to operate from - we have all come across these so-called ‘churches’ that meet in rented school halls,  but THE HAPPY CHURCH was determined to maintain some air of respectability and so purchased its own property.

Staff outside the newly refurbished THE HAPPY CHURCH building

The new Church building maintains its original 1930′s Post-Modern Architectural features on the outside (such as the white pebble dash exterior on the upper floor, and Devonian Sandstone blasted red bricks) but this hides a multi-million pound redevelopment on the inside.

Due to local planning restrictions, THE HAPPY CHURCH was unable to turn this building into a 47 floor Sky Scraper as planned, so had to make do with extending downwards instead. Now, THE HAPPY CHURCH building goes 30 floors below ground, to a depth of 200m. Boasting such facilities as ensuite church offices (with jacuzzis) a fully fledged Gatecrasher™ endorsed ‘earthquake maker’ sound system for worship, olympic sized swimming pool/baptismal font, 5 large Halls, a Wagamamas restaraunt, a sound-proofed creche fitted with neutralizing ‘baby-strength’ sleeping gas canisters for use during the services, as well as an outer garage to service the lash train prior to its departure.

An early schematic of the underground Church development

Due to the nature of this redevelopment project, the site can also withstand a direct hit from a Nuclear Weapon, so ensuring that THE HAPPY CHURCH will live on even after a Nuclear Armageddon. This robust construction also means that members of THE HAPPY CHUCH shall be able to remain safe during the ‘Woes’ foretold by Revelation during the final period just prior to Christ’s return.

We look forward to enjoying worship and abundant Kingdom living with you here!

The sauna.

The Deacon and his PA enjoy the newly-installed jacuzzi.

Staff sample THE HAPPY CHURCH Wagamamas

In the book ‘Wild at Heart’ (now an award winning ITV drama starring Stephen Tompkinson), the apostle John Eldridge encourages men to be manly, a quality required of them in order to be effective leaders in their families and churches. New Frontiers church in Exeter has already heeded this advice in its ‘Band of Brothers‘ events, in which male members of its congregation ‘man up’ by navigating high altitude ropes courses, sprints across Dartmoor and bat’leth duels. St. Leonards Church, in the same town, has taken this advice to its extreme by organising a men’s skittles night.

THE HAPPY CHURCH has decided to jump on the bandwagon. The Curate is encouraging the men of THE HAPPY CHURCH to join him on ‘The Lash Train’, a pub crawl to be held this coming Valentines Day. The event promises to increase fellowship between the brothers of THE HAPPY CHURCH and give them opportunities to develop their manliness – a quality to be measured in units consumed. Another goal is to meet some ladies (hence the Valentines Day event time), with whom one day the men may start families with and get their Ephesians 5:23 on.

The Curate previously conducted The Lash Train on New Years Eve 2009, and it was a roaring success, with only 3% of attendees remembering the events that unfolded. Don’t miss out. Male members of the congregation are greatly encouraged to get involved, though we are calling out to all members to help distribute flyers and put up posters (below).

The Lash Train may be delayed, but it never derails.

OUTREACH PROGRAMMES

Christianity Explored

Was Jesus REALLY God? How can we know the Bible is true? What about other religions? Why is ‘In Christ Alone’ clearly the greatest song of all time?

Getting ready to explore Christianity!

All these questions and more are answered at our weekly ‘Christianity Explored’ sessions in which both seekers and Christians who are just beginning their walk with Christ can come together to learn more about the Christian faith.

THE HAPPY CHURCH lads mingle...

Speed-dating and Singles’ night

Another initiative from the Worship Leader, Singles’ night – which happens on the first Tuesday of each month – provides unattached members [unhelpful] with the chance to find that ‘Special Someone’ (after they have found Jesus first, of course!). The evening is an informal chance to mingle with like-minded people and whilst clothing is desirable, it is not mandatory.

Nightclub Evangelism

The Webmaster and The Curate enjoy 'In Christ Alone' (trance remix)

Whilst popular accusations of the church describe it as “out of touch”, THE HAPPY CHURCH rejects the separatist theology of yesteryear and ignores the clear imperatives of 1 Thessalonians 5:22 by donning it’s glad-rags every Friday and Saturday night and entering the murky world of the urban club scene.

As a Church that likes to “meet seekers where they are”, we find one of the best places is in the RnB section of Arena. Itis not uncommon to see the Curate dancing to Soulja Boy whilst explaining the finer points of Reformed Calvinism. Whilst we still can’t afford a church-mini van – WE DO HAVE A LASH-TRAIN.

We also run a piggy-back service to help drunks get home safely.

Social Action Saturday

“Preach the Gospel at all times and when necessary use words” – St Francis of Assisi.

“ALLOW carrying dem tings man. Truesay man’s got a heart murmur you know” – Head Deacon, THE HAPPY CHURCH.

Both these sentiments, accurately sum up the life of a Christian – sacrificial, exemplary and demonstrative. Accordingly, every Saturday afternoon, members of THE HAPPY CHURCH go out onto the streets to engage with the local populace and give help wherever it is needed. Through recycling used Pizza Hut boxes, we hope to reflect the atoning love of Christ given to us freely.

Servant-hearted.

International Night

This was scheduled to be a fortnightly evangelistic event for local internationals but had to be cancelled once the Curate found out about it and refused to be talked out of participating.